About - Anne, your friend

December 12, 2023

It is 4:45 am. I am in agony. I don’t know what will happen. Maybe the police will be here again tomorrow to take me to the hospital. I am worried sick. I am not saying that I am afraid. I will stand up to my stance at all costs. But once in the hospital, and if they deny me my phone, and my laptop, like they did last time I will be cut off from the outside. They can do whatever they like. They even sent a Chinese staff member who came to talk to me, to intimidate me; he kept on putting words in my mouth until I decided I wouldn’t talk to him, instead I wrote everything down just so they couldn't make up things they said I said. They torture people in there. We were not protected by our rights although our rights were written in black and white. I had to demand to be given information sheets on side effects. I had to ask for the diagnosis made by the doctors, and what medicine they gave me, what dosages. It is so upsetting to remember what happened in the hospital!

Conversation opened. 1 read message.

Skip to content
Using Gmail with screen readers

Active

99+
Mail

1
Chat

Meet

5 of 856

Print allIn new window

For the psychiatrist who I will be seeing

Anne Ho <anneho51@gmail.com>

9 Dec 2023, 16:33 (2 days ago)

to west

This is for the psychiatrist who will be seeing me. There is a statement I made for the Tribunal Review which explains a lot of things. I would also like the psychiatrist to know that I am now running two businesses - one which I hope to bring in income and the other one is on mental health which I will not take any income earned as anything I’ve earned will be reinvested into the business. Both businesses are in progress and new opportunities have come up for the business which I intend to bring in income and I attach my plan for the business on mental health. It is a well-thought plan and I have plans to raise money for the business. There will be no problem forming a team and both myself and Te Ata are working on the programmes and details as listed in the plan. Once I can raise money to pay for the people involved the business will start and I am confident I can raise money to that effect.

I can understand why Dr Alex was worried about me. I told her bits and pieces about my struggle to be off Mental Health Act and I guess she’s young in her career and maybe she doesn’t know enough about me, but she has a good heart, she just doesn’t know enough about mental health. She was all apologies when I last saw her because she couldn’t give me the confirmation that the lumbar sprains were caused by coughing and that the coughing was caused by the side effects of the antipsychotic medications I was forced to take. I need that confirmation to fight for ACC cover as my application was declined. I approached Mr Twyford who said he would fight for me but he needs that confirmation. Anyway, that’s something else and I don’t want to branch off here. She has her reasons. And she suggested that I should see another doctor but I said no, I would stick to her just because she has a good heart and is willing to help and listen, unlike the other two GPs I had. With those values she has I am sure she will mature into a good doctor given enough experience. What enrages me is that Dr Pau has been writing to my GP insisting that I should be under the care of the crisis team and take medications because I show signs of harming myself and what hurts most is that he said I intruded the lives of other patients. This, as you will see from my statement that I do not have those signs. I shouldn’t say this but now I must, I strongly feel that Dr Pau has already taken things personally. Dr Alex kept asking me do I had the intention of harming myself or others during my last visit. I am disappointed that Dr Pau still insisted that I do. Anyway, I agree to see a psychiatrist because I have some queries concerning my withdrawal from medications and since I cannot find anything online to explain some of the happenings within my body I would like an expert to explain things to me.

Here is my statement which got me off Mental Health Act.

‘Today I make my statement based on the belief that I am considered a patient with bipolar disorder. I honestly believe that I have been making a fool of myself all these years for acknowledging this illness, and I have good reasons for that. But I want to make this presentation in accordance with what the psychiatrists think - that I have a mental illness. Why? Greatly because I want to make my case a precedent in order to help those who have similar problems as I do. I do not need antipsychotic medications to get well or stay well. There are better ways, therapies to change the mindsets of those who have mental health issues than meds that have horrendous side effects.

First of all there are questions I’d like answers from psychiatrists.

Do they believe that I want to harm myself or others? If not, can I exercise patients' rights to be off the Mental Health Act?

Can they confirm that antipsychotic meds can only suppress symptoms?

Can antipsychotic meds release my stress?

What has Olanzapine done for me?

Why do I need Olanzapine?

Why was I put into the ICU each time I was admitted?

Why do psychiatrists insist on me taking Olanzapine when obviously the side effects are ruining my physical and mental wellbeing?

Why did they insist that I should have my dosage of meds doubled or even tripled when I was discharged and yet suddenly they are willing to cut down on the dosage, do they now believe that a reduced dosage will be good enough as opposed to their previous belief?

(if they now believe that they were wrong before, can they still be wrong again this time?)

What are the symptoms they have found in me that they believe I should be on meds?

Can they confirm that the following are side effects that I am experiencing:

Dizziness, blurred vision, clumsiness or unsteadiness, loss of balance control, frequent urge to urinate, muscle tension or tightness, problems with memory, thick, white vaginal discharge with a mild odour, heartburn, increased cough, thirst, trouble with concentrating, body aches, dry skin, leg cramps, gas, gout, diabetes, high cholesterol, impaired taste, anxiety.

One of Dr Pau’s arguments for taking meds is that my eldest brother who is also a doctor agrees to his new plan of handling my meds. Let me tell you this, I and my siblings have been apart for more than 30 years. We are all over the place. Some of us do meet once in a while while we are in Hong Kong, the States, or Canada, but I never told them about my side effects, about the psychosocial strategies I have been employing all these years, or about how I got rid of depression. Yes, Peter is a doctor, an anaesthetist to be exact, and he said he knows ‘enough about pharmacology that reduced dosage can reduce the severity of side effects’ which is why he agrees with Dr Pau that I should act according to Dr Pau’s new plan. Here the two doctors are employing what they learned and what Peter has learned about my case is the one-off telephone call from Dr Pau. Does he know how I have come to get rid of depression, does he know how I have helped myself all these years to keep well? Does he know what achievements I have? I don’t really understand why Dr Pau insists that I need Olanzapine when facts have shown that the side effects have overridden whatever good he believes antipsychotic meds have for me, that is if there is any good! There have been patients with Bipolar Disorder who stop taking any antipsychotic meds for years and have remained well and what they do is exactly what I’m doing. In fact, one of these people is my friend. I have suggested that they stop the meds for several months and see how I am but the answer is no! To Dr Pau, there is the necessity that the injection can’t even be stopped for one day. Well between February 6 to April 4, I was not having any meds and I was doing well and now he said it cannot wait for just one day more? Why the urgency now!

As from the judges’ files, I have already countered each symptom they diagnosed in me and I know Dr Pau has come up with new ones but please give me some substantial ones so I can be convinced.

Dr Pau also mentioned that Joseph, my husband, also finds it necessary for me to take meds. It really breaks my heart when I have tried so many times to ask him to learn about my illness but he blatantly refuses. He actually said he’s not interested. He just believes that meds are the only solution. I’m devastated when he, who has been living with me all these years, witnesses that I have suffered so badly from the side effects and yet still wants me to take those meds. Hilariously, he does not believe that those ailments I have been suffering are side effects. Thanks to Dr Abeysinghe who, I suppose, convinces him that those ailments are not side effects but ailments of old age. How pathetic! Lately Joseph argued that I can live happily if I take the meds. How can he say something like this when as he can see I’m suffering terribly from the side effects now! How can I be happy?! He is inhumane!

The fact that we can still be together has nothing to do with Olanzapine but rather he’s changed hugely. He now no longer is a control freak and he looks after me very well. Although he still sticks to his belief, I hope I can convince him one day with my actions and behaviour.

At the last hearing I heard of a new diagnosis put on me - affective schizophrenic disorder. My goodness, first I was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and after decades of taking meds for that, I was told I am in fact suffering from bipolar disorder and have thus been treated for. I understand that symptoms of this disorder may include delusions, hallucinations, depressed episodes and manic periods of high energy. All in all loss of contact with reality and mood problems - cannot be cured. Do I show any delusions, hallucinations ever since I was first misdiagnosed with schizophrenia? Had any psychiatrist talked to me and tried to find out about my paranoia? No! Not until this time when I told the psychiatrists at the hospital about it. This paranoia was not unbased. I had known about the Cultural Revolution and my father actually had a relative who was a victim. There had been protests in Hong Kong by the communists when I was a teenager and I hated them so much. It was only until I studied about modern Chinese history while in Sydney I had some empathy for them. Then my other brother, Tony, was quite active in some activities in relation to the communists. Then things happened in a way that I suddenly felt that the communists are coming after us (all my siblings) as all seven of us are pretty intelligent and they wanted us to work for them. (When I was chatting with Mila once at my home she said something like I do have reasons to have that paranoia) Each time I had a relapse it was out of this paranoia. I can still remember so many crazy things I did just because I was frightened of the communists. However, after studying and being aware of the news I have discarded this paranoia. Yet it did not totally disappear. I was on and off paranoia last time I had a relapse. There are reasons. Fortunately, facts have made it clear that I shouldn’t be afraid anymore and once and for all I have chucked the paranoia out of my system which had followed me for 50 years.

I was suffering from chronic anxiety which turned into panic attacks within the half year of 2022 because I was terribly unhappy - mainly caused by Joseph. I think I have explained enough why, but since his change I don’t have this problem anymore. Yes, for periods when I was unhappy I lost appetite and sleeping had been difficult. I was aware of that which was why I searched for help, because I thought since I had employed all my self-help techniques I still couldn’t get rid of the sadness I thought I needed chemical interventions. So I tried to look for help from psychiatrists but unfortunately I was denied the service both public and private. I then went for counselling. At the third emergency visit to White Cross, a doctor helped me to approach the crisis team and I was under the care of Dr White for a short period. I was prescribed several different antipsychotic meds which eventually did not help with my appetite or sleep and instead I had shortness of breath, heart pounding and I decided to stop taking them.

I do believe in medications. I always listened to my body and when I took medication when it was necessary for my high blood pressure (mind you I won’t have high blood pressure if I am not on Olanzapine). I monitored my blood pressure for months and recently with my blood pressure became normal I stopped it. If it was not because of Olanzapine which heightened uric acid I won’t have gout. I was prescribed three different medications for gout, all giving me side effects which cannot be tolerated. My GP has told me that she will try another medication if need be.

When I was in the hospital I did have several confrontations with the staff. I remember clearly one time I was stigmatised by the staff and I got really angry. I was angry several times but for sustainable reasons. I asked one of the nurses when she asked me to be nice to a trainee because they all found that I had a bad temper, but when I asked her was my anger sustained and she said yes. I have been respected by the majority of the staff while staying in the hospital last time. Please check with them.

It infuriates me when Dr Pau and Milla mentioned that I was admitted to ICU several times. Why on earth, being an ICU patient, was asked to do a favour for the senior staff to talk another ICU patient out of her death wish, which I succeeded. Why am I considered dangerous to the other patients when all I did was help them by talking to them, connecting to them and love and care for them? Check with the patients please, and stop talking rubbish!

I remember when I was discharged from the hospital in 2018 some new side effects emerged. I experienced moments of anxiety throughout the day and I used self-help techniques to get out of them. Psychiatrists please confirm that this is something to do with the meds I am taking. They were gone after I cut down on the meds.

During the past 20 odd years I have lived my life constructively. I tutored children for years because I needed the income and then I fell in love with teaching. Two of my students have dyslexia and one has an attention deficit. I googled and also read articles, books on how to help them to learn until I was admitted to the hospital. When I was discharged I stopped the private tuition as I had other things that I am passionate about to do. I write a lot and have taken great interest in writing poetry which proves to be a very good self-help technique and I have written a musical as well. I also help anyone I come across who has mental health issues. I also started a business - to sell my album and my poetry book. I also have started a business on mental health. Do all these qualify me having affective schizophrenic disorder? What a joke!

Coughing for a long period has given me lumbar sprains. My left leg is in pain and walking has been difficult. I have had 14 sessions of acupuncture, 5 more than an hours’ massages and four times chiropractor visits. There has been improvement but comes very slowly. I still find it difficult to sleep at night because of the pain. Despite I am confined to stay home unless for trips necessary I try to keep up my spirits. I watch TV and I keep writing and when I can manage I play the piano and do a bit of Chinese calligraphy. Drawing is a way to relax. Since I am unable to do any walking or sports I still manage to exercise my limbs and body while sitting down. Because it’s been more than 4 weeks since I had the pain I’ve stopped a lot of my usual activities: badminton, table tennis, stretching exercise each morning, going for walks, socialising, going to l’Alliance Francaise… In fact, because I was coughing so badly these activities were lessened for like more than 2 months. I am under a lot of stress lately and I reckon if I keep on having stress the spasm won’t go. The side effect of body pain has surfaced recently, I can feel it in my left arm and shoulders.

I have always made it my priority to keep myself physically and mentally well and I have not the slightest intention of harming myself and others. I love people. It is from government information on the rights of patients who are under the Mental Health Act that if a patient does not harm oneself or others she/he should not be under the Act.

To close my statement I would like to quote something I read about neuroplasticity,

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganise itself by forming new neural

pathways throughout life and in response to experiences. While the brain usually

does this itself in response to injury or disease, when human focus their attention

enough, they can slowly rewire these pathways themselves.

This is why I want to write a paper on Can psychosocial strategies replace antipsychotic medications, which I had shown to Professor Larry Davidson of Yale and asked him if this is possible and without a doubt he said yes!’

Here is my plan for the business on mental health

Executive summary

Overview and mission statement

Mental health has become such an important issue nowadays. It is affecting a lot of people. As we see it, it will only get worse if not dealt with. Stress happens in all populations and depression is common.

This is a plan to help those who suffer from mental health issues, from awareness of the disease to alleviation of depression, education, and providing jobs for those who have experienced mental health issues.

The concept is twofold. One is to sell to private firms and corporations services regarding mental health. Services include educating the employees, managers, and employers about symptoms of stress, anxiety, depression, such that they are aware and will take action at the very beginning. To train the managers to be alert of the symptoms and offer help to the staff in need. This can be done in many ways, through talks by experts; by those who have lived experience and have recovered, which will be very convincing; to work on countering stigmatisation and discrimination in the office; to run programmes to the effect.

Secondly, which is also complementary to the first by forming teams of experts which include psychiatrists, psychologists, occupational therapists, peer support workers, counsellor, researchers to provide therapies to those who have mental health issues which are similar to the Open Dialogue approach, Hearing voices approach, Shared Decision Making; introducing psychosocial strategies, run programmes for them. Work closely with psychiatrists (who work for hospitals or private practice), GPs, aiming at reducing and slowly withdrawing of antipsychotic medications, applying holistic measures. Let their psychiatrists decide on the medications; when there is progress shown in the condition of the patient, a reduction of medication will be asked for with an aim towards full withdrawal.

Psychoeducation is very important. Educate those who have mental health issues, and educate their carers which is very important. Educate students. Educate the general public. Invite patients to study and do research on their issues together with us as this will help them to understand better what they are going through and that there are therapies to help them. Once they have insight about their issues, recovery is imminent. When people know about mental health correctly, stigmatisation will lessen.

Some of the programmes we intend to carry out,

Run courses on psychoeducation, invite professionals/doctors/counsellors/academics/educators to partake. Those with lived experiences to tell their stories of recovery which is very convincing.
Run classes on self-help techniques (this involves suggestions from those with lived experience, any technique that has helped them).
Work hands-on with patients or anyone who has mental health issues to develop their passions/anything they are good at, help them to achieve, and bring back motivation to their lives (peer support workers and occupational therapists will be someone good to be involved)

Provide employment

We will try to employ as many as possible those who have experiences with mental health issues.

Target market

Universities and corporations aiming to improve their ESG goals. Our edge is our tailored, hands-on approach, and a commitment to foster sustainable changes within organisations.

Marketing and Sales Strategy

Our marketing strategy involves outreach to HR departments at universities and corporations. We will also provide free resources, such as webinars and guides, to attract customers.

Anne Lai Ping Chan Ho

www.anneho-mentalwellbeing.com

ReplyForward

http://www.anneho-mentalwellbeing.com/

It is now 1:15 am. I have done some calligraphy and Breatheology so I felt better and could eat my dinner. But the stress I have had was so great, I feel I am having another trauma. So I played the piano until I was yawning. I kept on yawning and I thought I should sleep. I do not understand why apart from the usual pain in the leg my both legs have cramps and I just couldn’t sleep. So instead I write about this. Why should I be going through all these? Is it not enough that I suffered physically and now I am put through this? Who’s fault is it? Mine? I can’t write anymore. It seems the cramps have gone. I’ll try to sleep again.

I have unexpected visitors today at my home. A nurse from the hospital and another staff member came knocking on my door and said my GP had referred me to them. I thought okay my GP is worried about me because I complained to her that I cried some mornings and negative thoughts came rushing in. The reason being the pain caused by lumbar sprains still stays with me and I have been unable to sleep a good night's sleep for over four months now. And the pain carries forward to the morning and I began to think my life sucks and thus all the negative thoughts came. But I have ways of relaxing. I managed to stay sane after four months with the pain because I forced myself to sleep despite the pain otherwise do any one of you think I can survive four months? And I have ways to relax. My GP kept asking me do I feel like harming myself, and do I feel like harming anybody. For Christ's sake, I have explained very clearly to the judge, to the independent psychiatrist, to the person from the public that I do not have any of those thoughts and I have facts to support me. The verdict was for me to be discharged from the Mental Health Act. My GP asked me to see the psychiatrist, assuring me that I am not under the Mental Health Act and it is not about the issue of medication that I am seeing the psychiatrist, she just needs advice from the psychiatrist how ofter should I see her. Then I said okay since I have some queries which maybe an expert can answer. But when the nurse called me she said my GP thinks that I have a relapse which is why she referred me to them. Then I said I could understand why she worried because I was complaining to her that I could not sleep well at night because the pain keeps me from sleeping well. Today nurse Mary after talking to me and after I told her my progress in the businesses I’m running which includes a business on mental health and both business are in good progress. After telling her why I think so, she said I am definitely unwell. They left. Then in few hours later another nurse called my husband and asked for my address and they wanted to come to see me. I insisted talking to the nurse and I was furious, I said nurse Mary intruded my privacy and put me in great distress and I have been trying to calm down I am not ready to see anybody today. She then mentioned that they are considering putting me under the Mental Health Act. I got really upset and then the nurse hung up on me. What nurse insisted was that I could not sleep because I am not taking the medication despite I assured her that it was the pain that keeps me awake. I can last this long because I know ways to relax and I tried to catch up my sleep during the day. They disregard the fact that I’ve been under pain caused not by my own doing but the side effects of the antipsychotic medication they forced on me. She said Olanzapine can help me deep sleep. They just wouldn’t take it as pain causing me unable to sleep. Now, please tell me what should I do? I have asked my husband does he think that I want to harm myself and he said no. Now under what pretext are they using to put me under the Mental Health Act. I'm terribly stressed and I don't know how long it will take for me to calm down.

Let me talk about my racing thoughts. I used to think that I had racing thoughts because I suffered from Bipolar. Now come to think of it, I do think fast which is why I talk fast and when I feel confident I always have ideas, lots of them and it seems that I can do much better, and more clever; it never dawned on me that I am quite a capable person and when I am well and full of confidence I have lots of strengths. It was only when I was depressed I couldn’t or rather wouldn’t like doing anything, so I have concluded that those are not racing thoughts, it was rather a return to my strengths. I always believed that I had a disability which hindered me from doing a lot of things, in fact, it had always been the paranoia that had time and again put me in distress and adverse situations. Now that I’m rid of it, I feel free and I can pursue any dreams I have.

It’s been three months now since I have this pain in the leg. Although recovery is showing but it is very slow and also it is a recurring thing. The worst part is my sleep is disturbed almost every night. The pain keeps me from having a good night sleep and it’s been three months now. What can I do apart from trying to eat more anti-inflammatory vegetables and fruits, do stretching exercises, walk as much as I can, anything that can help recovery. For the past week I have been able to sleep for one hour, one night, two another and the best night was four. There was a time when I dreaded sleeping. The night seems so long when I can't sleep. Then I’ve found ways to overcome that. When it was too painful to sleep I would get up and do Chinese calligraphy until my eyes were very tired. By doing that I have cut short the night. It is fortunate that in the day time sitting won’t cause pain-it was just lying in the bed the pain comes. I can’t explain why apart from thinking that lying down puts pressure on the affected area which was why there had been nights I slept sitting up. Anyway, that doesn’t work as well. Almost every night when I was kept awake from the pain I would say things like damn it, I would make a fist and hit the bed, I would sigh and that’s about all I could do when I got really angry. Apart from the suffering physically, mentally I have been paying for acupuncture sessions, massages, chiropractic sessions, X-rays - I still need to have chiropractic treatments but I don’t need as many massages now and I have stopped acupuncture. My doctor has applied for ACC for me. My chiropractor has also applied for ACC for me only that I received notice from ACC that my application has been declined because my ailment is caused by coughing, it is internal, ACC only covers external causes. But my Chinese doctor never asked me to pay in full and neither has my chiropractor and at that time I was still under the Mental Health Act and with the stress of being thinking that I was due for another injection and not knowing the outcome of the Tribunal Review and other things that were bothering me I just was too distressed to do anything about it. Although I have won my battle and I am now not forced to take antipsychotic medications and the stress is gone, I am experiencing stress caused by sleepless nights and now I feel that why do I have to pay for damages caused by being forced to take antipsychotic medications? This is totally unjust!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/hs58W3tjEuw8KJ7g8

I have been to this group yesterday and found it very helpful. Apart from learning about recovery, pleasant life, good life, meaningful life, we shared our experiences. There are two more group sessions next Wednesday and the one that follows. Come and join us for a chat. Don't worry if you can't speak Chinese, English is used as well. You will definitely pick up some useful techniques for recovery.

A battle won

Every atom in her
Points to better health
Now that she eases back into fitness
With energy returning
So much can be done
She celebrates quietly
She will never forget
The battle she’s won finally
She will definitely help others
With what she’s gained
From her experiences

October 11, 2023

In support of the World Mental Health Day, I’d like to share my experiences with depression, stress and anxiety. I had depression since the first day I was started on antipsychotic medications. It was with me for decades. Fortunately, it was gone once I had goals in life, I have responsibilities and passions. I did not want to do anything and all my passions
disappeared. It was until I had my daughter. Looking after her had helped me and of course the joy of having a daughter. I used to stay in bed whenever I was free. It was an escape. Since time went by so slowly when I wanted to do nothing, I’d rather go to bed. Now, with a daughter I had to make sure that I looked after her well. This responsibility made me want to do things.

When I came out from the hospital some twenty-odd years ago I’d decided to help myself. I decided to study. I also did some voluntary work. I had found my goals in life. During this period, I not only revived my passions but I had discovered more. Then in 2009, my depression left me, at the age of 57. I look forward to the next day so I can do what I love doing - motivation has conquered depression.

Nowadays, I use dancing, singing, writing, painting, sports to get me out of stress, anxiety and sadness. Life is full of ups and downs. I always believe that there is hope and when the downs are away the ups will come rolling in.

October 5, 2023

I'm off mental health act

October 2, 2023

This was what I had submitted to the judge for my last hearing and the psychiatrist came up with I had a long history and that I was in the hospitals and ICU several times. One more reason is that my husband, my siblings all want me to have antipsychotic medications. He no longer talked about symptoms. Well I will let him know my views on what he said at the tribunal and see what other diagnosis he can come up with and any substantial reasons he has to keep me under the mental health act and that proves substantial.

In preparation for the court hearing, I have come up with the following which, I hope, will help me find justice.
I have been living a fulfilled life since I decided to help myself to be well more than 20 years ago. I graduated with a BA from the University of Auckland in 2009, after nine years of studying at the age of 57. It has been very stressful as I had not been studying since the age of 20 and had forgotten ways of studying. However, I was persistent and I turned my first dream come true. The same year, I got rid of the depression which I was suffering from for decades. How? I have found goals in life and I have been practising psychosocial strategies, with no credit to whatever meds I was taking. I did voluntary jobs as well.
My first self-published novel happened in 2015 to be followed by a poetry book in 2017 which consists of artwork from 15 artists who have experiences of mental health issues in the hope of recognising their work, their talent. I have just finished an audiobook on my poetry which will be on sale soon. My first album The Dawn of a Dream is now on sale on my website. My poem The Beast and the Snake which is about stigmatisation has been turned into a song which I have put out free for everyone to listen to. I have created a website which is mainly for mental health wherein I share a lot of poetry, self-help techniques, my experiences of being bipolar, articles I’ve found educational…
Quite some years ago I have a business plan on mental health which I am rolling it out now. This is a commitment I made a few years back and anything I earn from it will be reinvested into the business. I am now a student at the University of Auckland again. I’m doing the Graduate Diploma in Applied Psychology in order to further my study on mental health and under proper guidance (I have decided to quit Uni and do what I’ve been doing all these years - self-learning). As a member of L’Alliance Francaise, I join their functions with the aim to brush up my French. To be able to play badminton and table tennis again make me very happy despite having to try very hard to do the sports as the side effects of meds are a hindrance to these activities.

Why have I been ranting about my achievements? It is because achievements have helped me to get well, to find my worthiness, my self-esteem, and my confidence - all I need to be well and stay well. This brings in my plea to be off Mental Health Act and to stop all antipsychotic meds. My diagnoses include poor sleep, loss of appetite, irritability, grandiosity, persecutory delusion (I presume it means my paranoia), inflated sense of self, being spendthrift, hatred of my husband, and harm to myself and others. Well, given a normal person who has undergone what I have been going through and is given a chance to talk about those issues I have and my fight for my physical and mental well-being, and yet was interrupted, don’t you think that person will be feeling angry and irritable? Do we have the right to feel angry and irritable?
I have no problem running my business and doing all those things I said I would do if not more, am I having an inflated sense of self? Yes, I remember when I told friends, relatives and doctors that I would be doing all those things they all thought that I was going to have a relapse. I am glad I have proved to all of you that I walk the walk and talk the talk.
Ever since I left the hospital I have no problem sleeping and eating. I slept much better when I don’t have to be sedated in order to sleep. And I was off all meds between February 6 and April 4 and during those periods I feel good. I could sleep and eat. The toxicity of the poisonous meds was beginning to wane but I was forced to retake Olanzapine.
When I received the money given to me by my mother, I, first of all, gave over $X to my daughter and family and then to others as well. I was very unhappy then, trying to stay away from my husband who has changed into someone lazy, having no motivation, look down on me and a control freak (all in all I hated him as he represented all the attitudes, behaviours that I despised). I stayed in hotels because I had nowhere to go. I paid around $9000 to join a cruise because I really needed something to cheer me up and I can easily afford that, so am I a spendthrift? I lost over $2000 in paying for the stay which I had to give up because police came to the hotel to take me to the hospital. I was so embarrassed in front of all the staff and people who were at the hotel to be taken away by the police. Is it fair that when the cruise was the only gift I gave myself after receiving the money because I needed that to help me to relax and yet I was accused of being spendthrift? I was just looking after myself.
Why I can be with my husband now? He has changed a lot, no longer a control freak which is why we can be together and has nothing to do with Olanzapine.
Rather than harming myself, I instead am fighting for my physical and mental well-being. When I discovered that I have exhausted my self-help techniques and yet not been able to get well from anxiety I desperately tried to find a psychiatrist as I believed I needed chemical intervention to no avail. It was only on the third visit to the White Cross Hospital that a kind doctor offered to help when I got Dr X to look after me for a short period. So, do I look like someone who wants to harm myself? I have been helping those who have depression and I have successfully talked a few out of their death wish, do you think I will harm others?
These days I do quite a bit of music and Chinese calligraphy, both very good in helping me to relax and I so enjoy doing them. I am well-balanced between work and play and I love to socialise. I have asked all the psychiatrists I have seen so far, ‘Why am I under the Mental Health Act’ and just give me one ground that sustains their belief that I am having a relapse and yet I am not given an answer yet.
All I want now is justice. If any psychiatrist still insists that I should be under the Mental Health Act please give me the answers to my questions!

September 30, 2023

Thursday is the day for the tribunal and also the day for the injection but as I’ve said things keep on delaying. My lawyer said she has not received the documents and I haven’t got the ones I have applied for. Nothing will be done about the injection so I wonder what will happen, will I be getting it before the tribunal or after, in that case they don’t have to send the police. I really believe that it is some kind of trick they are playing. How can my key worker not know the day of the tribunal when she arranged for the injection? She will be on leave so someone will replace her for the tribunal. I don’t know what will happen on the day but I’m not that optimistic. I need the documents to prepare for the tribunal and I still haven’t got them. I bet either I’ll get them like a day or two before the tribunal or only after the tribunal. I know my lawyer can have access to them but her excuse is she hasn’t received them yet and that she will contact me once she’s got them. Maybe it will be again two days before the tribunal.

September 29,2023

On August 31, 2023, I approached a district inspector for an application of a Mental Health Review Tribunal. I was getting almost immediate response. However, I was not sent the application form until September 11 from my district inspector to be signed and for her to take action. It was interesting here because she had asked me to give consent several times, which I did each time, before she sent me the application. Time has been wasted. I was informed who would be my lawyer, as the previous one is not available, on September 15. I was told that the lawyer would contact me which she did by giving me a phone call on the 21st of September. We had a short chat. When I asked her what’s the procedure of the Tribunal, she said it would be held at Waimarino, to be presided over by three people, the Judge, the lawyer and another psychiatrist. She then said would call me again later in the day which she did not. I was not given her contact details. I waited till the 28th of September then I searched on the internet for her contact details and wrote her an email asking her when the Tribunal be and that my next injection would be on Thursday, October 5. She replied telling me that it was on October 5, the same day as my next injection. I have made it clear to all parties that I won’t accept having the injection and they have to send the police. Why on earth is the tribunal set on the same day as the injection? This all sounds fishy to me. It makes me think that since I said they would have to send the police for the injection and make it the same day and to be held at Waimarino they don’t have to send the police as the injection will be done there. Does that mean that the verdict has already been decided on and I’m bound to fail at this hearing too? The verdict of the last court hearing was unfair and unsound as I presented a very strong case and yet I lost. For this Tribunal I intend to take up what the psychiatrist said about me needing to be under the Mental Health Act. Mind you, my questions to the psychiatrists have not been answered yet and I intend to get them this time.

It has been the usual practice for each of my court hearings that I was only given very short notice. Like letting me know on Friday evening that there would be a court hearing on Monday morning. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have enough time to prepare for it. I have applied for all documents in my file from Waimarino. It was done on September 7 and yet up till now, I haven’t got it. I need to know what diagnosis the psychiatrists have given me which is very important. I also am waiting for answers from my lawyer and key worker. They can stall for and control time. It’s Friday today and if I don’t get some information I won’t over the weekend. I need to know what rights I have with respect to the tribunal. I want to nominate someone to preside over the tribunal. I need to know these soon.

September 28, 2012

This has been more than three weeks since I’ve had this pain in my left leg. What I’m having is a lumbar sprain caused by a long period of coughing. The coughing is due to Olanzapine which the psychiatrist forces me to have. Another side effect, muscle aches, is beginning to surface on top of the pain I’m already suffering from and the psychiatrist still wants to force me into taking that injection. Am I crazy or is he? It has been more than two months since I had to stop socialising, doing sports, or even going for walks. I can’t go to l’Alliance Francaise for months now. I can only play my piano very limitedly because sitting down without something to support my back causes discomfort. These days my activities are watching TV and spending limited time on my laptop. There are so many things that I have been doing and now I can’t. I’m afraid that another injection will reinforce all the side effects I have been facing!

September 25, 2023

These days my mood is governed by pain. I can suddenly cry badly and then I can easily ease back to being happy soon afterwards. Writing poetry has been a great help. It puts me back in a better mood. Creativity brings back functionality fueled by motivation.

These 18 days when my leg is in pain, I’ve watched quite a few good movies at home. They’ve got a good story and it brings back my passion for watching films. A good movie can influence me easily. Apart from the entertaining, I’ve picked up good values and morals from films. Movies are one kind of entertainment which almost everyone can afford; so does good music and books. They bring us happiness, satisfaction, good past times… This is why the major part of my business is entertainment. I love music and I love writing which is why my business is around these two passions of mine. I am very lucky to be able to turn my passions into a business. I am selling my talents and effort which is why I can afford to run this business at least for several years. All I need is to keep on writing stories, musicals and composing songs and hopefully one day my creative work will bring in an income for me.

September 14, 2023

Days have gone by with the pain. There have been moments when it’s unbearable but when the pain eases I make sure I stay happy. Watching tv is my main activity and I simply immerse myself into whatever programs I watch. I cheer for the participants who attend games shows, I comment on movies, I sing along… This takes away most misery. My hubby waits on me as if I’m the queen, getting things for me, cooking meals and doing the dishes. I’m sure the pain will be gone at some stage if not soon. One thing good about this ordeal is that I feel loved.

September 13, 2023

Flashbacks
Jump in too often
Mostly negative
At this moment
It is difficult to see
Where at
Where to
And living in the moment
Is all dwelling in pain
Both physical and mental

September 12, 2023

I dread sleep every night since the pain. To find a position to sleep such that it won’t hurt has not been easy. When awake, trying to get out of bed is agony as my left leg feels painful and almost impossible to stand on. I don’t know how long it will take for me to recover. In the meantime writing poetry is something I can do to keep being creative.

When I’m in pain
I curse
When in despair
I’m withdrawn
But love promises me
A carriage
To take me to happier days

Brittle like porcelain
Is you
Please don’t be broken
The die hards can’t get you
Be graceful
Employ your excellence
Be loud
And be heard
The privilege of being loved
Will see you through

I wanted to study law because I wanted to see how effective is law, here in Auckland and globally. I was very disappointed with the fact that all patients' rights were overridden when I challenged the psychiatrists on Mental Health Act. I don’t understand how this can happen. What is a right? But I won’t give up. I have filed an application for a review tribunal and let’s see what justice I can have!

She dances with elegance
Attempting steps beyond her
Always taking up challenges
She will never have a final performance
People find her mad and strange
Disbelieving what she can do

The pain goes on
Can’t go anywhere
Sitting in front of TV
I write poetry
I stay on top of misery
Tears won’t stop the pain
So wait patiently
Till I can walk again

‘She’s mad
Don’t talk to her’
This is stigmatisation
And it happened
In Waimarino
Referring to me
From two staff
Imagine
Stigmatisation
Inside a psychiatric hospital
I thought the two staff
Should know better
Than said that aloud
In front of patients

‘Mental illness cannot be cured’
A psychiatric nurse once told me
Now I understand where that came from
Antipsychotic medications can only
Suppress symptoms
Please correct me, experts
If this is not so
No wonder patients continuously return
To the hospital
We can never be cured just by
Antipsychotic medications
How can I convince you experts
That there are better therapies
And yet you don’t listen

An outburst
Has changed my mindset
Yes, just one outburst
Brought me and my husband together
So can you deny the power of talking therapy
And give credit only to the antipsychotic meds!

Why experts must be right? Obviously, there is something my psychiatrist has got wrong in my case. He can’t answer my questions but he has authority so he just exercises that to make sure he is right. This is pathetic! I have been thinking if they can’t procure a proper symptom for believing that I need Olanzapine shouldn’t they try to find out why? Can it be a mistake? Work with me to find out the truth. They don’t have to butter me by saying that I’m intelligent, I’m admirable, I don’t buy that. All I want from them are answers!

September 7, 2023

They have sent the police. I’m to have the injection then to be sent home. It’s 405 , the maximum dosage, let’s see what side effects it’s going to give me. I’m still not over the coughing and the pain.

A familiar place
A place where they exercise seclusion
Waiting for the execution
Afraid? No
Agitated? No
An old friend received me
One who believes in psychosocial strategies
One who believes that I can connect
With mental health patients
I told him things are changing
People are listening
Just how long it will take
For a better mental health system
To come in place
I have no idea

I sing
Singing puts me right

To assume
That I’ve been abandoned
As I said it’s just an assumption

I invite myself
To happiness
How?
Ease into things I love doing

Do not believe
That I’ve been forgotten
Think that I’m loved

Things can be hazardous sometimes
We are born to life with ups and downs

September 5, 2023
Do I stand a chance in this battle?

I crawled back into the same old black hole
In order to search for freedom
Free to live outside the hospital
So I succumbed to the psychiatrists’ decision
To retake antipsychotic medicine

I feel like tightly wrapped by barbed wire
Difficult to breathe
Unable to be released
I’ve sighed
I’ve bursted into tears
But these don’t help
I am lost
I am suffocated

They use Mental Health Act to govern me
I am fighting back
I will use law to fight against law
I am all the more dedicated
To prove that experts can be wrong
All the meds they force on me
Can only drive me into
Depression, anxiety
What’s all the ethics of being a doctor
Aren’t they suppose to save lives
And not to cause aches and pains

Do I stand a chance in this battle?
Will justice prevail?

One thing my psychiatrist sticks to is that my husband and my siblings all want me to take medications. I told him today how much do my siblings know me? We have been living in different countries for 30-odd years, some of them in Hong Kong, some in the States and some in Canada. I sometimes returned to Hong Kong to see my mother and we never discussed my side effects, what achievements I have had and how I use psychosocial strategies to help myself. None knew, not even my daughter. They just believe that experts are experts and they know! When it comes to my husband, this is really difficult for me, I asked myself how someone who said he loves me and yet saw me suffer like what I have been suffering all these years. Also, I attempted suicide when I was thirty because I couldn’t bear the side effects anymore and yet he still refuses to learn about my illness not to mention support me. He is so inhumane that I couldn’t believe he’s a real person. I told him that frankly. But since the ordeal, he has changed hugely. He now respects me and is very caring. He knows that I have taste impairment and he tries to cook me meals which I feel like eating. Now that the core problem for me is solved - the change in attitude from my husband, and that I no longer have the paranoia my days will be much better. What’s left is to fight against the Mental Health Act!

September 4, 2023

After today’s meeting with my psychiatrist and key worker, I feel I need to keep fighting with them. As I said I’m at peace since I no longer have fears. I no longer am afraid of the Mental Health Act, I’m no longer afraid of being forced into the hospital. Bring them on and I’m always prepared for the worst.

August 31, 2023

Stigmatisation is such a horrible thing. Why should there be stigmatisation? Ignorance! The belief that experts must be right! Mental illness is a danger zone! I have been a victim of stigmatisation. Friends and relatives believe that I’m sick and need medication. But do they know and understand or listen to my details? Why do I challenge the experts? Do you think I’m just stubborn? Do you think that the only solution is to take medication? Do you know that I have facts, I don’t just blab and I do not have illusions or hallucinations. I have questions for my so-called experts who cannot answer them. And yet, people believe that I need medication. This is a battle not just for myself, it’s one fighting against stigmatisation!

August 25, 2023

Bitterness was burning inside me
The side effects consumed me
But today I don’t feel dizzy
Today I can walk properly
My eyes are much clearer
(both literally and metaphorically)
The non stop coughing has eased
I’m alive again
Let me relish this wonderful day
Until the next injection
Which will once again rob me of my content

August 22, 2023

I have experienced frustration before but was never so resigned as I am now. But fortunately my spirit is not destroyed and after being prepared for the worst nothing can get me. I have obstructions but I always have hope. This time I have decided on taking a measure which I fought against and was so afraid of - returning to the hospital if needs be. I’m no longer afraid of this mental health act or staying in the hospital. I have come to a resolution - if the psychiatrist and keyworker still being stubborn and not listening they will have to send the police to take me to Waimarino. An appointment has been made for me to see the psychiatrist and I requested the meeting to be held at mental health organisation with someone sitting in to listen to what I say and what they say and my keyworker said it can’t be done and that the outcome of the meeting has already been fixed. WTF is she saying? There has been no meeting yet and the outcome has been fixed? I thought she’s understanding and she will tell the truth - how well I am and what I have been doing, so this time I will have someone to sit in and listen to what I will say and answer the questions I have. I have been really nice to the keyworker, to save her time I have promised that we will have the injection at Waimarino and meetings there. I don’t I should be nice to them anymore.

August 20, 2023 at 10.47 pm

The muscle pain begins again on my left arm. Let’s see what’s next.

August 20, 2023,

Don’t try me
I change all the time
I can change instantly

Nothing, nobody can make me
Waiver
About things I’m sure of
Not hugs, not warmth
When I don’t appreciate
Especially
When something important is at stake

Don’t try me
I change all the time
I can change instantly

I can love
I can hate
I can do things
People think I won’t
I can be kind
I can be cruel
It’s all up to you

Don’t try me
I change all the time
I can change instantly

When others abandon me
I can start all again
According to my way
If you try to act like before
I’m sorry
That’s something I won’t bear
And haven’t I made myself clear

Don’t try me
I change all the time
I can change instantly

August 20, 2023

This poem was written after I was discharged. Once again I made myself believe that it was all my own fault that I had a relapse. After eight months of stopping the meds all side effects were gone except that I was very unhappy because all the people I love were angry with me, but not my mother, she believes in me. Finally all the unhappiness took its toll and I ended up in Waimarino again.

50 days in hospital (in 2018)

There I was,
In the hospital once more..
A relapse brought me back,
Poisonous meds
Was forced on me again.

One good thing,
I met the friendly staff
Who I’ve known during the last stay.
And I made new friends,
Patients and nurses and employees.

I only had the psychiatrists
To blame.
Fighting to be discharged,
Fighting for reduction of meds.
Had great hopes in the court hearing,

Even thought I could represent myself.
Prepared all the evidence,
Thinking I had a good chance to win.
But my evidence was disregarded
And I was not fit to be released.

The verdict came not from the judge
But the psychiatrist.
When he decided to discharge me
I was served a notice
Of another court hearing.

I tore it in front of the staff.
What’s the point of going through
Some pointless procedures
Which do not help patients
And there was no justice.

Why waste money
Setting up a court hearing,
Paying for judges,
Paying for lawyers,
Paying for court reporters,

When the money can go to
Employ more staff,
Having them paid better,
Training more experts,
Than providing useless services

Like court hearings.
I was detained in the hospital
For 50 days.
Fortunately, I found myself useful
Helping those in need.

Through poetry I connected to patients
Who needed support and love.
I was even tagged as
The best occupational therapist
For the day.

In the hospital,
There was music
And I danced everyday.
I gained back several kilos
When before I lost eight.

In fact there was more to the poem but I scraped it as it was not true and does not represent how and what I’ve felt, it was just a kind of made-up belief. I was even grateful to the psychiatrist who tried every possible way to make me return to my husband who was the main reason for my sadness. Today we are together again but this time is different because he’s changed, changed for me!

August 20, 2023

My gout had returned yesterday and I have been taking Naproxen for that. I shouldn’t wait to see a doctor or my GP about it. I was put on three different medications because each of them has unfavourable side effects. Allopurinol was the last one the doctor gave me. I had to stop Allopurinol as I was having diarrhoea while taking it and seeing my GP the day before I left for Hong Kong on July 14, we agreed that she would try another one if I had the pain again. Since taking the Naproxen the pain has gone, so I’ll discuss with her what should be done in my next visit.

I could sleep last night despite the cough. It was not as bad as before - nonstop! I’ve told my keyworker the reason why I cough like this, all because the cough is a side effect of the medication taking. I had since 2018 cut down and finally stopped Epilim because a nurse downloaded for me the side effects of Epilim which includes unexplained cough. And for years the cough had not bothered me until now, when I am on meds again. I was trying to figure out whether my cough was due to a virus or not. I went to see a doctor on Friday and she confirmed that my lungs are clear and all good so nothing to do with having a cold or virus.

It was after weeks of terrible dizziness, muscle pain and non-stop coughing and I had no way to stop them that I became resigned. Fortunately, my husband has been very caring and now that the muscle pain has gone and the cough is easing that my fighting spirit and motivation come back. I have started to write out what happened to me and why I acted as I had since last year, a project which will help me to keep my mood good. But I never know what the psychiatrist will do to me but I definitely will fight for my physical and mental health till my last breath!

August 19, 2023

I have been so depressed for days and almost lost my fighting spirit and motivation. The fortunate thing about me is deep down I’m positive, 我是打不死的. I am prepared to wage another battle with the psychiatrists, keyworker or judge or whoever who disregard humanity and have put me through all my sufferings. I’m no longer resigned and I’m back. The next meeting with the psychiatrist and key worker will have to be at a place I’m comfortable in and not at Waimarino. I will request a third person, someone who is not one of them to be present such that they can no longer be in total control of the situation. It’s easy for them when they are in their group, they say anything they want and disregard what I’ve said, there’s no other to challenge them (apart from me) and they can’t just answer my questions. Here I list my questions again,

Why was I put in the ICU each time I was admitted to the hospital when clearly I did not meet the criteria? Especially when a senior staff ask me, a patient in the ICU, to talk to another patient in the ICU about her death wish (which I succeeded).
What symptoms do I have to be qualified as someone who has a relapse?
How does Olanzapine help me? What symptoms does it suppress?
It is clearly said on government brochures that only those who pose a danger of harming themselves and others should be put under the Mental Health Act, so can any of them tell me what makes them think that I’m in that category?

There has been this case of the South African mum who killed her three daughters, when I would like to ask how this can happen as she clearly has depression and what she complained about was not taken seriously by any of her relatives, psychiatrists and yet time and money has been used on me just to keep me under the Mental Health Act? What’s happening to our mental health system?! I can do so much to help those who suffer from depression and other mental health issues and yet I have to struggle to stay well, to prove to you blockheads that I do not need all those side effects. For the past few weeks, life has been terrible, first I feel so dizzy, and then muscle aches follow by nonstop coughing keep me from sleeping well. I was doing fine without Olanzapine, I could work, I could sleep, I could eat, I was happy and yet you blockheads have to force me into having Olanzapine injections. It was already a great improvement that you didn’t force me into taking Epilim again as my expsychiatrist mentioned that I should be back on those meds. And have I had any relapse as according to her I actually was having one? Each time when I was discharged you people put me on a greater dosage but you never agreed or believed what disasters that bring and you refused to admit that today. Why won’t you read more, and research more about other therapies that have actually better results than just antipsychotic medications!

August 16, 2023

After sulking and crying for two days I have come around. Instead of being so negative I have decided I will keep on fighting for my health and justice. I simply can’t give up on everything without a fight. I have so many good opportunities ahead for me and I have put in so much effort to get me where I am now and I will be a fool to throw them away simply because at this moment the side effects are terrible. Once I’ve sorted that out, my spirits are uplifted. Now I am back, so back!

August 15, 2023

After seeing my key worker today, I started thinking. So they don’t intend to reduce my medication towards full withdrawal. It has been a waste of time and energy. I have wasted years of self learning, application and fight for not just my benefits but for all the people who have mental health issues. Things are just not logical. What’s happening is all illogical. I then have figured it out, no matter how strong my arguments, no matter how well I am, no matter where or to whom I complain, they will still force the medication on me; why? Here’s my thought, it’s all political, the message I got is Anne, New Zealand doesn’t need you, New Zealand doesn’t want you here, go home. Let me tell you, I am going nowhere, not until my statement is accepted. Yes, I have made a statement and I intend New Zealand and the world to accept that. I will not take any more medication, nor will I talk to any psychiatrists, they can send the police to take me to the hospital. I will stay there. They can put me into the ICU as they did each time I was admitted for no reasonable reasons. I have checked again with my key worker today and I know exactly the criteria to sustain their putting me in the ICU, I was never near that criteria. How would some staff ask a patient in ICU to talk another patient in the ICU out of her death wish? If he thought that I’m capable of that, that means I shouldn’t be put in the ICU in the first place, and yet they sent me to the ICU each time I was admitted into Waimarino. And what a joke when at the court trial they dared to use that as a reason that I needed to be under the Mental Health Act. Why am I treated so unjustly?!

My life has been ruined the first day I asked my brother to take me to the hospital as I faked being insane. I ended up believing that I really had mental illness. I had depression the first day I took antipsychotic meds and decades of the best time of a girl’s life was ruined. This time they can keep on ruining my last years of life. They can do whatever they want, not allow me to use any communicating device, I don’t care. I could sleep through years when I was depressed and I could do that again. Just lie in bed and time will pass. I have made a statement and I am sticking to my statement. You want to play games with me, fine, I’ll play along. I can just eat and sleep and stop talking to any medical personnel, see what else you can do to me. I thought I should think and do positive things, but how can I keep doing anything when I can’t walk properly, I have muscle aches, my mouth is so dry and my taste buds no longer respond to the food I eat, my vision is blurred, I have brain fog, I am coughing life hell, and I couldn’t no longer sleep well - first the muscle aches, then the coughing stop me from having quality sleep. Don’t you think that’s already enough to make me think that I should do something about it? I have angered my brothers and sisters, my daughter over this ordeal and I have been trying to make them see the reality faced by me. It’s a long and lonely battle and now I can see that no matter what I do, how I am, the reality is I will never get what I need. I am doing it this time passively. It doesn’t matter if I waste some more years, I have made a statement and I want my justice!!!

August 13, 2023

Today we spent a wonderful afternoon with a couple and their two year old daughter. It is the first time in more than a month I can walk for so long and so far. It has been more than 10 days since the last injection. The side effects have eased and there are no more muscle aches and I am capable of walking for over an hour. But coughing resumes. I had gotten rid of it since 2018 when I cut down on Epilim but now with such a high dosage of Olanzapine the coughing resumes. I hope history won’t repeat itself as the cough will get worse and I could cough non stop and cough till I vomit. I used to have that kind of cough every year and the doctor took x rays and took swap from down my nose and the result was there were no bacteria, no virus, they practically could not find out why I coughed like that until one of the nurse downloaded the side effects of Epilim for me then I got know that Epilim can cause unexplained cough.

August 11, 2023

My arms are so sore tonight, the pain has been building up since two days ago. It was affecting my sleep but I managed to sleep so I let it go. But tonight it turns really bad. I thought of taking Panadol, so I took two and then went for a very long and hot shower; if we have a bath tub it would be better. Anyway, after the Panadol and the hot shower the pain has eased and I so hope I can get a quality sleep tonight. This is what I consider solving a problem. It may, hopefully, take me to tomorrow but to solve the ultimate problem depends on the psychiatrists. I really don’t understand how come the psychiatrists believe only in medication, which they know they are not getting to the root of my problems but aggravating my side effects. Why can’t they research on other therapies as well? Why are they so afraid of getting out of their comfort zone? Since olanzapine can’t help me except putting me through all the physical and mental pain, why can’t they just stop it and find out other ways which will really help. As you can see I turn to medication when needed, the Panadol, I believe in medicine as well but only when it helps!

August 9, 2023

I have been able to manage despite without meds or with for so long now. It seems that without meds my mood is much better without the side effects bugging me. But since I’ve been forced to have meds I try every possible way to stay on top of the side effects. I am very flexible and I have so many self-help techniques to see me through difficult times. What I see is that antipsychotic meds can only dampen my mood and capability and I want so much for my psychiatrists to admit that my being stable has nothing to do with the meds; it is mainly because I’ve been helping myself. It is of utmost importance that my psychiatrists and family give me support to help me withdraw from meds. I hate fighting, honestly; and I would rather work things out in a civil way, with understanding and open minds. Yes, I can keep on making complaints, but this will harm my relationships with the psychiatrists or whoever is involved and most important of all my family members. I want to do it the right way or rather the gentle way so no hard feelings for everyone. In the meantime, I will keep up with my business, my research, and my commitments and keep on working towards my dreams! Am I asking too much!

August 8, 2023

I had another injection of Olanzapine on July 30. Since the last two injections side effects have gone bad and I was angry, upset and very moody. Last night, I could sleep not being disturbed by sore muscles. Today the dizziness has eased a little bit, at least I don’t have shortness of breath, or cramps after standing and walking for roughly half an hour. I am able to apply my reflection skills and have decided to keep working on my plans and then prove to the psychiatrists that I am stable not because of the Olanzapine injection but because I am helping myself. Rather, it has been the horrible side effects that stop me from being capable of concentrating, remembering important things, table tennis, going for walks and playing badminton… Once the side effects have eased I’m able to do what I want to do (I was capable to do a little bit of table tennis tonight). Anyway, my anger has subsided and I am able to respect my psychiatrists and whoever is involved. I hope they will respect my belief as well and start reducing the dosage.

August 4, 2023

The side effects interfere with my work, my badminton and table tennis games, and also my going for walks; not to mention interfering with other daily activities. How can I convince my psychiatrist that I don’t need the four weekly injection of Olanzapine? I have explained my situation so many times and yet apart from saying that I’m intelligent they still stick to their belief. If they promise to reduce my medication until total withdrawal I’m perfectly happy to keep taking the meds. If not I’ll have to keep on making complaints till I am given justice.

July 31, 2023

There is an add on item 'Mental Health' on this website, a start for my mental health business.

July 28, 2023

I want to ask my psychiatrist what does Olanzapine do for me? What symptoms it has suppressed? What symptoms do I have? My dizziness has worsened since the last injection. So please tell me what Olanzapine has done for me since I was told that I could do all I have done because I am on Olanzapine!

When I said I am managing, it doesn’t mean that I’m feeling alright, it’s just that I am really managing only. What do you expect me to do if I do not try to manage? To kill myself because of the physical discomforts and the injustice I’m facing? Of course I find ways to manage and I have lots of them. I really don’t understand why those who tried to kill me or hurt me physically while in the hospital were not kept an eye on so as to prevent them from hurting other patients - mind you they must be under medications as well. Instead the psychiatrists are determined to keep me under the Mental Health Act when I have proved to them that I’m stable, I am not manic, I am not depressed, I don’t have any intention to harm myself or anybody.

Tonight I was discussing with my husband on the subject and he said I should not give up complaining about those happenings and to have those incidents on record. Well, that time I was strangled I didn’t even know that patients have rights. To me the psychiatrists are the authority and the staff was given the permission to send patients to seclusion when they think necessary. I was sent into seclusion several times, locked up! So what? They are allowed to do that, which was why last time while in the hospital they brought me to the seclusion room I didn’t even know that the door was not locked, I stayed there the whole night. As patients, we do not know we have rights. Once you are in the hospital you are practically ‘meat on the chopping board-you are to be chopped in whatever way they like’. They will serve you section bla,bla,bla and you won’t know what that actually means. I know patients’ rights are actually in black and white on Government’s patients’ rights literature but that doesn't mean that you have the rights, like in my case.

I am experiencing dizziness which saddens me and once I’m in that position I don’t feel like doing anything, sometimes I just cried but of course, being positive I always find ways to overcome that and that doesn’t mean that I am okay, not to mention that cramps are becoming more often. As I see it they keep me under the Mental Health Act just because they want people to see that they are right even though I have proved them wrong. Is this democracy? Is this humanity? Especially when they do not or cannot answer my questions. My next injection is again due now and I am in for another terrible month. Please tell me where is justice!

July 20, 2023 (in Hong Kong)

The mouth thrush has returned. My inner mouth hurts. What can I do? The psychiatrist is not reducing the dosage of Olanzapine not to mention stopping it. I cannot walk long distances. After walking for half an hour I will start having cramps.

Why am I still under the Mental Health Act? Why am I still forced to have the injection of Olanzapine? Why do the psychiatrists still think that it is the meds that allow me to achieve? I only can think of one answer. It is always easy to stick by the book and mainstream thinking exercised by most, professionals or non-professionals, holds the above behaviour. People are afraid to go out of their comfort zone. The belief is that when you are not well you take medications and to most, medication is the only solution. However, mental health is about mindset and since antipsychotic meds can only suppress the symptoms and that they bring with them side effects, horrible ones, why won’t they try other ways. There are a lot of therapies that work much better than antipsychotic meds. Please don’t think that I am okay with those side effects when I can still say life is good, and it must be that those side effects are tolerable. Well, I am a very positive person and now that I can achieve and my dreams are realised one by one give me a good reason to enjoy life, but it doesn’t mean that I’m okay. I still am suffering a lot of side effects when I don’t really need to when the meds are stopped. By the way, I really would like the psychiatrists to explain to me why each time I was admitted to the hospital they put me in the ICU. What are the criteria necessary to be put in ICU? I have no intention of harming myself or any others and I was so calm so why they should put me in the ICU. I can assure you all that they treat me differently. When everyone in the ward was allowed to use their phones I was not. I have all these questions and yet none was answered. Is this fair? Once again I emphasise that psychoeducation is of utmost importance, educate people about mental health, break their belief that mental health is a danger zone, let them learn about what antipsychotics do, and learn about therapies that can work much better than antipsychotic meds.

When people come across something hugely sad, a trauma, an incident which disturbs them so very emotionally and they no longer can handle by themselves, those who are close to them should help - most importantly by understanding, showing love and support. They are not necessarily mentally ill, they just need a hug, someone to listen to, an ensuring touch of the hand, kind words and all in all love. The dosage of love is 300% better than 100% dosage of medication. The bad thing will be that once exposed to medication, despite the serious side effects, there will almost be no return. Of course, medication is necessary sometimes; especially in crisis time. But when the crisis is over shouldn't psychiatrists try to cut down on the medication in a safe environment until none is required? Here I bring in the Open Dialogue Theory. This has been working so well for Finland, I'm sure there must be some good in it. In order to complement whatever measures, education is very important; education for the patients, so they know what's happening to them and to acknowledge that they need help, educating the family members so they know what to do to really help their loved ones and be explained to that getting well is all about love and care and not aggressiveness and believing just in medication. The society needs to be educated that mental health is not a danger zone and stigmatisation shouldn't exist.

Friday July 7

Monday will be the court hearing. I am well prepared for it and let’s see if there is justice. It annoys me when the only thing the psychiatrist can hold on to in order to keep me under the Mental Health Act is that since under meds I can still do all the things I want to do and I could make that trip to Hong Kong, so I should keep on having the meds. This is outrageous! They cannot answer my questions and now they turn to this ridiculous tactic. Yes, very fortunately I can still function and what I’ve been doing and am doing now is hard evidence that I don’t have a relapse. I have good reasons to not have to take antipsychotic meds and they are ignoring my reasons.

I had my last injection of Olanzapine last Friday and since then I am feeling dizzy and I have a greater tendency to fall, and my brain feels strained when I concentrate. What about the impaired taste, the gout, the diabetes, the high cholesterol, the gas… that I’m facing? Since they can’t find any symptoms of me having a relapse, can’t they just stop the poisonous antipsychotic meds?

Finally my audiobook is on sale now:

https://libro.fm/audiobooks/9780473682576 https://www.storytel.com/se/sv/books/4394595 https://www.chirpbooks.com/audiobooks/mum-by-anne-ho https://play.google.com/store/audiobooks/details/Anne_Ho_Mum_%E5%AA%BD?id=AQAAAEBiMHlwCM https://www.scribd.com/audiobook/655324141/Mum-%E5%AA%BD https://www.kobo.com/us/en/audiobook/mum-5 https://www.audiobooks.com/audiobook/mum/696579

June 25, 2023 (Sunday)

I was to see another psychiatrist, Dr X who is now my assigned psychiatrist, and the key worker on Friday the 23rd. First of all, I asked Dr X to confirm that loss of memory, brain fog, blurred vision, impaired balance, weak legs, diabetes, high blood pressure, gout, high cholesterol, impaired taste, dry mouth, dizziness… are all side effects I am/have been exeperiencing, especially to my husband. Dr X acknowledged that antipsychotic meds do have side effects. I asked an important question, why am I still under the Mental Health Act? I was not given a direct answer. I was allowed to speak my mind. An interesting question was asked by the key worker - do I think that I have a mental illness? To that, I answered I am doubting. Then I followed by giving my reasons - telling them how I pretended to be insane years ago when I walked into the psychiatric ward of Prince of Wales Hospital in Sydney due to paranoia (the beginning of my being labelled schizophrenia), more importantly, I told them that I remember every crazy act I did and why I did them. They were all driven by the paranoia and now after being followed by that for 50 years I got rid of it entirely. I can talk about it and I am very open about it. Since then I, too, believed that I am mentally ill which was why I diligently took the meds I was prescribed. When it came to the part about being manic, I told them what happened to me, what encounterings I have had which made me think that I am special and yet I have been fighting against that belief disregarding what I feel and what I have experienced and try not to take any of them into account. I did not want to have grandiose ideas which was a sign of mania, so I do things that I can and so far I have been able to finish doing some of the things I said I would do and in the process of doing others. Now nobody can say that I can’t do all the things I said I could.

When I said there is no justice in court hearings (I’m talking from experience) as the verdict is not based on evidence but on what the psychiatrists want. Dr X told me there had been two (two) cases when the judge took off the MHA from the patients despite them having manic. When I said I’m not manic he said my case is a different one. I followed and asked why. He said I am spendthrift quoting the fact that I spent $9000 odd for the cruise. At this, I was very angry. Again I told them how dare they when that’s the only gift I gave myself after receiving a big amount of money from my mother in order to release stress, and anxiety and be happy again, while I have been given much larger sums of money to relatives; and also I can easily afford that!

I was reminded of my court hearing on July 10 2023 and have been advised to send in whatever support I want the judge to see before the hearing and not just handed them in at the hearing. Fine, I will do just that and I have explained why at my last hearing I couldn’t - I was only informed by my lawyer on Friday evening that I’d be having a court hearing on Monday morning. I hope I will get answers to my questions and that justice does prevail!

五月節
糭子日
龍舟賽
來慶祝
這節日
也正是
念屈原
好一個
為國民
諫君王
把軀捐
有正義
有原則
後人敬

A thought on Dragon Boat’s Festival

Mindset

Our mindset is of utmost importance to us. It controls our behaviours, our attitudes, our emotions, our feelings. It is set through our makeup, our brought up, our learning, how other people treat us, our experiences… The mindset can change through education, experiences, interaction with what we meet daily, through environment. Nature takes up part of developing our mindset but the environment is responsible for most. Mental health is all about mindset and changing mindset has very little to do with medicines. I was once told by one of my psychiatrists that medicine can help maybe 30% and the rest depends on me! Everything can be learned, so let us learn to change to a better mindset!

After seeing Dr Dipti and being talked into agreeing to stay under the Mental Health Act, after some thoughts, I still think that it was unfair for me to be forced into continuing the injection of Olanzapine. Yes, some of the side effects have gone but I still have a lot of the others. Yes, I have not fallen down in the streets or in public but that doesn’t mean that I am all right with walking. I have escaped from falling down because I am agile, and my reflex is good, thanks to all the dancing I do all these years. What when there will be a time I can’t balance well and fall which can be serious, especially at an age close to 72? Since she also agrees that I am stable so why should they still keep me under the MHA? Do they have that right? I struggle, I learn all these years about mental health just so to prove to everybody (not just psychiatrists or doctors who for most believe only in medications) that there are other much better therapies than the poisonous antipsychotic medicines. The professionals should know that these meds cannot cure, they can only suppress the symptoms which is why patients keep on going back to their relapses. Mental health issues are a mindset thing, so doesn’t one think talking therapy, open dialogue theory, CBT, or EMDR…other than taking antipsychotic meds can be a better solution? An injection of Olanzapine costs $400, I do not know how much it cost to set up a court hearing but I should think it can be costly because it involves a judge, a court reporter, and a lawyer to run that through; why not invest that money to counselling, to other therapies as I can see no benefit to have a court hearing when the verdict does not base on evidence? Yes, maybe they can still keep me under the MHA but they can’t stop me from fighting for my belief which is based on facts. Of course, I will keep on doing what I love doing as long as I am capable and boy, I am doing a lot and I can find the time and energy to do those things I said I would do! However, I am not manic and I have proved that to Dr Dipti. I also am very balanced between work and play.

It is hard to love again
When those I’ve loved so dearly
Broke my heart totally
It’s difficult to love again

To turn into someone
Cold, unattached
Like I am now
Is not a matter of a short period
Or just a few incidences
It’s been hell
For years
Not months
But only now I face reality
And I am free from being
Emotionally tied down

The people who love me
Are few
And I’m grateful I still have a few
I’ve learned to be cold
I’ve learned to be cruel
I’ve learned to love myself
I finally fit into the category
Of being vicious
So vicious I am

I have prepared the following presentation to be read out at my hearing on June 12, but since it was adjourned to July 10 I asked to have it put in my file.
'I would like to know what symptoms I have for Dr Dileepa to say that I’m having a relapse. My diagnosis according to Dr Dileepa is irritability, grandiosity, persecutory delusions (by which I presume she meant my paranoia), inflated sense of self, poor sleep, my lost of appetite, my being spendthrift, hatred of my husband, not being able to look after myself thus harming myself; have I covered everything?

I have always looked after myself. When I developed chronic anxiety last year because my husband, someone I adored at a certain time, looked down on me - telling me that I was dumb, then stupid, then useless every single day whereas he himself was lazy, lost of all motivation… all in all his behaviours then represented all those I despised. I did try very hard to mend our relationship (Maree Burns the counsellor, and Dr Shane White can confirm that). I hated him. He had been a control freak and I allowed him to control me for 40-odd years. I tried not to do things he didn’t like me doing simply because I hate confrontations. I don’t have to repeat why I ran away from him, I’ve told the crisis teams, the psychiatrists, and nurse Paula all about that. It was because of the chronic anxiety which turned into acute anxiety, then panic attacks that I risked being put under the MHA and rushed to the White Cross hospital three times hoping to see a psychiatrist which had been denied of me even when I was willing to pay for the service. On the third visit to White Cross, I met a wonderful doctor who cared to listen to me, then he organised me to get help from the crisis team and finally Dr Shane White took me under his care. I thought I have exhausted all my self-help techniques and I still could not get out of the anxiety so maybe chemical intervention was necessary which resulted in my trying to see a psychiatrist. Anyway, if what I had told all the crisis teams who went to the hotels to see me had made notes on what situation I was in, any psychiatrist who has read them, will surely understand my situation. It was only after an outburst of all my grievances to Nurse Paula that I felt relieved and much happier and was able to attempt to mend my relationship with Joseph. So you can all see what talking therapy can do. And of course, Joseph has changed a lot, he no longer controls me (anyway he can’t anymore), although he still believes that I should be taking meds which he thinks is the only solution and which I totally disagree. He actually has gained back some motivation which I’m so pleased and it is because of that which made it possible for us to be together again and no credit to the meds.
I am concerned about his health. I believe that if we want to live a comfortable life we need to generate income, and since I’m capable of that, at least I’m trying hard, I am totally happy to provide. In actual fact, I am the one who looks after him and myself now. So much so for not being able to look after myself.

Paying $9000 odd dollars for a cruise was the only present I gave myself. It was meant to release my stress and anxiety which I needed so badly. And how dare you psychiatrists accuse me of wasting money given to me by my mother. I had given over $40,000 to my daughter and her family, not to mention other amounts I gave to other people. I couldn’t go on that cruise because I was forced into the hospital. Until today I haven’t rewarded myself for anything in monetary terms. I said I would only spend when I got income. The fact that I stayed in hotels is because I didn’t have a home to go to and I could afford that.

When I told people about the things I would do, everyone was thinking that I’m having a relapse. And the lovely psychiatrists thought that I have an inflated sense of self. But I have done all the things I said I would do if not more. I am a very pragmatic person, I only embark on things I believe I can do.

Yes, I had paranoia and it had followed me for 50 years, but as I have told Dr Krancos I have gotten rid of it once and for all. Every time I had a ‘relapse’ it was driven by this paranoia. Now I am open about it and told all parties concerned about this paranoia.

If you said that I am irritable, well given a normal person who has undergone what I’m going through and when I was given a chance to talk about it but was interrupted and stopped mid-way through would someone ‘normal’ be irritable and angry just the same? So are you telling me that once I’m labelled bipolar I don’t have the right to be angry, to be irritable even when I have good reasons to have that justified?

Of course, I lost a lot of weight - more than 10 kgs, when for a long period I could not sleep or eat because of the acute anxiety. And I thanked Dr Krancos for helping me to sleep and regained my appetite. I had gained 8 kgs within 13 days. Then the increase in weight has levelled and become stable. I weigh around 52 kg now. Only if dr Dileepa has listened and she said she knew all about me because I have been under her care for so long, she knows nothing because she refuses to listen or read my file. Since I left the hospital I have had no problem in sleeping or eating whether I was on meds or not - between February 6 and April 4, I was not on any meds.

I have no problem socialising nor problem running my business or learning. I am such a positive person, I have talked people out of their death wishes and so far I have not failed one. So you still think that I want to harm myself or having a relapse? All I want now is justice!'

I was looking for a psychiatrist of my choice but was unsuccessful and instead, I was assigned one by the family court. I went to see her this afternoon and the following was the gist of our meeting,

'I have been to see Dr Dipti this afternoon. She acknowledges that I’m stable which I presume that she agrees that I am not having a relapse. However, she still thinks that I should be under the MHA. Her argument is that I can still run my business, I can still study, I could come back from Hong Kong in one piece and I haven’t had falls so I should not focus on the side effects. Just focus on what I want to do. I was frank with her by telling her that since the last injection (May 30) my cramps have not returned and I haven’t suffered from gout (I’m back on Allopurinol today, my blood test done yesterday shows an increase in uric acid). I must make myself clear that I am honest with them, I didn’t pretend to have the side effects when I didn’t just so to make my case stronger. I am not focusing just on the side effects, I’m simply noting the messages my body sends me. And I frankly told her that if I’m not under the MHA I will not take antipsychotic meds so she decided that she would apply to keep me under the MHA. At this point I can see that it is useless for me to argue anymore, so I said ok I agree to that as long as the side effects are not affecting me. Now I just have to see how much will the side effects affect me and are they easing. I will write another presentation for the court hearing stating why I agree to be under the MHA.'

June 10, 2023

I have been informed by my lawyer last evening that I will be having a hearing on Monday morning. Let’s see if justice can be done.

Acquiring knowledge is very appealing
It’s the best way to diminish ignorance
Though we cannot learn everything
I admire those who know a lot
Especially those who never want to stop
Knowledge is powerful
Knowledge can change mindsets
Knowledge widens our thinking
I will never stop learning

June 1, 2023

It was very courageous of me to make that last trip to Hong Kong alone, considering that I was under terrible side effects. Although I had it cut short, the purpose of the trip has been accomplished. Now I am confident enough to do it again as I have promised my mother that I would see her in mid-July. The problem of the side effects has to be dealt with and I hope that I’ll be off the Mental Health Act soon. The psychiatrists have no reason to keep me under it.

May 28, 2023

On the day when I was really down, I received an email from APRA, I quote part of it here

Dear Anne,

It is our pleasure to advise that you have been elected to Full Membership of the Australasian Performing Right Association (APRA).

Your membership was approved because we were notified that there was a live performance of your music, or that royalties were earned for one of your works. Welcome to the biggest songwriting and composing community in Australia!

This just made my day, my work has been recognised.

Once I’m labelled Bipolar, it seems that I can’t get rid of the stigmatisation. These few days I have been very angry with some of my folks because when I told them the truth they refused to accept it. My lovely daughter then called me and the question she asked me was have I taken my medication, this is heartbreaking! That’s her greatest concern. Most of my siblings are afraid of me, why? They are afraid that if I come back to Hong Kong they need to take care of me and that’s a burden to them. I defended them against this accusation when my husband pointed this out, but I didn’t believe it, now I’m hundred per cent clear about this. For the past 10 years, I’ve travelled to Hong Kong and I looked after myself. I do not need them to ‘entertain’ me, so why are they so scared? I’m angry and my anger is sustained.
They just can’t accept that even bipolars can get angry too! We are just like any other, we have feelings, we can be happy and can be sad and can be angry. I need a break so I’m leaving for home earlier. I will return shortly because I’ve promised my mother that I will.

Now is a time I test myself to see if I can help myself using whatever self-help techniques, I couldn’t last time but I think I can this time. Writing it out is already a great help. This experience will prove that when I am really down, I can still weather this adversity with no one to contact. So, for those who are suffering from a difficult time, there are ways to release yourself but never give up on yourself, nothing is worth doing that!

This is what my favourite sister wrote to me after I told her the truth how some of my loved ones said and did,

Don’t we all know you love yourself at everyone close to you expense. Here I see how you so much enjoy in 搬弄是非 ! Your usual pattern is to generalize in broad statement that who speak ill of so and so without substance. And that’s your ‘truth’. I am actually see more of your selfishness in this thread. You wish you are the princess but you are nowhere near.
I am retired and I have plenty of tie to verify your truth, but if you are selling songs you better work hard now to make it to the chart. There are hundreds of songs published in Spotify, Apple, Amazon…

Thank you, Sis! I can see through you now. This is in fact good for testing my mental health, when I can take this and don’t feel depressed or anxious that means I do not need antipsychotic meds because the psychiatrist thinks that I am having a relapse. And I am blocking you as I have heard and said enough. What you will hear about me is from social media!

May 21, 2023

Let’s open Pandora’s box
Just let everything out
Let everyone knows
What has happened
So there won’t be excuses
That all are misunderstandings
It may be dark
It may be vicious
It may be evil
It may be hurting
But at least
Everyone knows
What one has said and done
I, of course
Should be responsible for what I’ve said
And what I’ve done
I so wish everyone tells the truth
So all will 檢討

May 19, 2023

I am tired, physically
My legs feel heavy
My legs feel weak
My muscles are aching

I cannot focus
I don’t feel like reading
My spirits are dampened
Each time I visit mum

I thought I’d enjoy shopping
I thought I’d enjoy eating
I thought I'll have a good time
But,

Seeing is believing
Mum’s bedridden
Mum’s depressed
And it seems I can’t do anything

I’m sick of complaining
Yet,
It is difficult to
Stop negative thinking

However,
I know I must pull myself together
As life goes on
No matter what

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OjhKmK6QL1PZF6r1WrGGyqWdjNMp6vSg/view?usp=share_link

It carries
hope
It carries
freedom
It carries
dignity
It carries
pride
When it reaches its destination
I so wish
I, too, have a share
of its cargoes

May 15

There’s a breakthrough with Mum today. Her left arm which has been numb since her stroke is feeling pain this morning when her maid moved it in order to exercise it. She told me this was the first time she felt anything. I am so happy! Mum has been scratching her body which she claims is itchy. She scratched so hard and bruised her head and body. Very accidentally I was telling her about when we were little she used to kill fleas on our cat’s body so they wouldn’t sting us. She suddenly said ‘Kill the fleas’. I know that’s an illusion but I believe that’s what she felt so I played along, ‘killing the fleas’. I want to change her mindset - when the fleas are killed she won’t feel itchy anymore. It worked yesterday and this morning, I hope it will keep working so she won’t scratch till she breaks her skin. Again listening and trusting a patient’s belief and helping to change the mindset can be very helpful!

Goodness returned by goodness

This world is cruel to me
Loneliness creeps back constantly
Physically I suffer
Do I deserve this
Are all these necessary
Yes, I am complaining again
At least I can vent my sorrow
By writing
Although poetry should be beautiful
How can I write a pretty verse
When I don’t feel it

I have tried so hard
To make things right
I thought I could make it this time
Sorry, no, Anne
I may have a long way to go

I am running against time
And time won’t wait
Death won’t wait
How much more time I can have
To spend with my mother
To spend with those I love
I understand now
Goodness may not be returned with goodness

'The Dawn of a Dream' is on sale now. Please check Store page.

What is a choice?
Do I have it?
What is justice?
Have I got it?
It all burns down to
My being bipolar
I’m stripped of a choice
I’m stripped of justice

Why is it necessary
To have to pull back
The working of my mind
To slow it down
To stop me from focusing
And force on me
Loss of memory

It’s already bad enough
To have the tendency of falling
Not to mention other side effects
I am already physically suffering
Please free me from the working
Of my brain!

'The Dawn of a Dream' is on sale now. Please check Store page.

My music album, ‘The Dawn of a Dream’ will be on sale on my website soon. I am experiencing joy and anxiety. At last it will be ready for sale. There have been so many hiccups. A lot of time has been wasted - being in the hospital for over 50 days!

This website is tailored for mental wellbeing. It is for anyone who is suffering from depression but has no record of mental illness, it is for mental health users and anyone who is interested in this topic. Here we intend to promote mental health awareness. With our modern day hectic working environment, a lot of people are stressed and burnt out without realizing it. When the breaking point is reached, the result is usually disastrous. However, if the early symptoms are recognised correctly, appropriate and effective remedies can be applied, so that there is much less chance of real mental issues. This will benefit the workers, their colleagues and employers, the government too. But most of all, the people who love them.

The main purpose here is to educate people about mental health and its stigmatization. Why should people who have depression, psychosis or other forms of mental issues be stigmatised? They are just simply people who have been unlucky enough to fall ill, similar to people who catch cancer, diabetics and any other illness. They live and love like everyone else. So why is it that people like us be treated differently like some sort of monster to the level that we always feel we are different and have to hide our illness and suffer in silence. If people understand more about mental health, they would be more sympathetic towards us, and there will be much less discrimination and stigmatization. Anybody can have depression in their lifetime, and I hope that when they go and seek the help of the psychiatrists, they will not feel weak or abnormal. It is of the utmost importance to seek the right professional help at the earliest moment of suspicion or realisation of any mental problem. And there are ways, I can assure you that you will get well before it becomes serious.

I intend to collect as much as possible the amount of data and information on mental wellbeing. I shall place it all in a blog. I shall make my website an interesting place, like posting poetry, songs, real life stories and successes of mental illness, but most importantly, useful and true information. In addition, I hope to have inputs from mental health workers and experts. You are all welcome to put in your comments, experiences and anything you think can be of help and/or use. Your identity is protected, strictly confidential unless you wish to be otherwise. Please drop me a line on my email address if you would like to share with other people your view and thoughts on the topic.

我是個狂躁症(Bipolar Disorder)康復者,第一次發病是在四十多年前在澳洲悉尼讀書時,症狀是開始時覺得異常興奮,好像自己變了非常非常有錢,接下來轉為很恐慌,好像受到了當時共產黨的迫害,這些症狀在治療後消失了,但卻轉為了陷入長期抑鬱症,這個惡性循環在每次復發時出現,揮之不去,我在廿多年前移民到紐西蘭奧克蘭市,很快舊病又復發了,當我回復清醒,不再胡思亂想時,我就想到如果我要好好地生活下去,我一定要自我幫助,於是我便進入大學讀書來充實自己,經過九年漫長的辛勞,我在五十七歲時,取得了文學學士的學位, 自從我決定走上自我充實的路後,我感覺到每一天都充滿了活力,不再整天都賴在床上,無精打彩,無事可做了,我再也不會寂寞,不會對任何事都不感興趣了。我開始重拾過愛,像閱讀,寫作,練字和繪畫,跳舞,聽音樂,彈琴和運動。我成功地打破了那惡性循環,不會再胡思亂想了。我也不再抑鬱,不再恐慌。每天的生活都是充滿意義和活動的。藥物是醫治精神病的必需品。尤其是在危機時刻,但它們大多數是祗能治標而不能治本的。我認為除了身體上對藥物的需要外,病人其實在心理上也需要有所輔助。例如像去找一些自己較為喜歡的活動,嗜好等等,細心培養,讓它能夠可以發展到帶來歡樂,甚至得到有成就感。而有效地消除或減輕抑鬱。當我們達到有成就感時,自然就會有相應的動力。如果每天起來都感覺到自己充滿活力,那就自然不會有任何抑鬱了。這是我自己應用的自強,而有效的方法,大家可以作為參考。成就感是恢復信心的強項,對疾病的康復,有極大的幫助。如果病者的日常生活情況轉好,那麼医生就會減輕用藥的份量,那麼這些藥的副作用就會減少了。治療精神病的藥是很昂貴的,同時也有不少的副作用。如果能有效地運用這些心理協調的策略來減少服用藥物份量,那麼就不但會對病人有好處,而且也可以減少政府在医藥上的經濟負擔。

我這網站是讓需要舒發心中不快，抑鬱者或有關於我復完的問题都可在這 anneho51@gmail.com問我｡－切將是保密｡

This is my story, how I attempted suicide, how I was saved, how I love life afterwards.

I am inspired by ‘nuggets of gold’ to share my story of suicide attempt. With this sharing I hope it will help those who harbour such thoughts.

I had been promoted at work and I loved my job. The future of my career seemed promising. I worked so hard, stayed behind always, even worked on holidays and brought work home. What I didn’t realise is that the stress was creeping into my body and mind. I relapsed again. I never told my boss or colleagues that I was seeing a psychiatrist for fear of losing my job. This time I could no longer hide because of my long absence from work. When I came right I went back to work with the idea that I was still a treasured employee. The first day back at work I was turned into a ‘furniture’. I was not to resume my old responsibilities but was put there because it was difficult to fire me. I was angry.The next morning I went back to the office and resigned. And I stayed home until that day:

In the morning I felt depressed, so I went to see my psychiatrist. Nothing much was done to help me to alleviate my mood apart from, I was told later, telling my parents to take precaution. The side effects of my medication came to me again, some side effects that frightened me for years and I was so afraid that it would stay till the day I die.

‘If I have to suffer this side effect, I would be better off dead,’ I said to my husband. He hugged me but not realising the significance of what that could be.

I remembered that there was a tin of caustic powder which we used to unblock our toilet in the bathroom. Having that in mind, I called a relative hoping to talk to her but could not get hold of her. I went into the bathroom, locked the door, took out the tin of caustic, put some into a cup used for rinsing the mouth, diluted it in tap water and drank it. My throat was burning and it was unbearable, I had to rush out of the bathroom. My husband saw what happened, he quickly took me back to the bathroom, ran water from the tap of the bathtub into my mouth. I remembered he was crying.

My aunt was living just one floor below. My cousin who was a health inspector came up and upon checking that we had three bottles of milk urged my husband to make me drink the milk. The ambulance came, paramedics with a stretched bed took me to the hospital. Outside the hospital waiting were my parents. I could see the concern on their faces. Once inside the hospital the vicious cycle returned - my fear of the communists. I was put in bed in the emergency ward. There were nurses dressed in red uniforms and I associated red with communism. I screamed. I kicked. They had to tie me to my bed. When a nurse dressed in red came close I used abusive language to stop her from coming near. I was fiercely thirsty and demanded water but was left unattended to. Like this the whole night went by. In the morning my parents came, they arranged my discharge and took me instead to a private hospital.

When my throat no longer hurt I returned home only to discover that my esophagus was narrowed and I could not swallow food. I was sent to a surgeon who suggested widening my esophagus. The operation, however, was not successful and instead the organ was broken. The surgeon referred me to another surgeon to have a major operation. My esophagus was removed, instead part of my stomach was severed and was swung up to connect with my throat and the stomach had to be moved further up, food would go through my throat and into my stomach. My act of the suicide attempt had also brought me not just a lot of physical pain but also a lot of after effects. Up till today I still constantly choke on food which was embarrassing and also brought me great discomforts. Since this episode I promised myself that no matter how hard life may be I will make sure I will not have any suicide attempt. There had been long periods of depression but I struggled on. Life is precious and I am glad I was saved.

To suffer from Bipolar Disorder was actually a blessing in disguise for me. It was because of a relapse some twenty odd years ago that I have rediscovered and further discovered my passions and in developing these passions I attain achievements which is very important to me because I have gained back my confidence, my self-worthiness and motivation. I no longer suffer from depression.

I have gone through lots of pain and I can feel the pain of those who are in the same boat which is why I always reach out to friends or whoever who are going through mental health issues. If my story can help in prevention of suicide, I will be thrilled.

Where to find help and support:

Shine - 0508 744 633

Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843

Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737

What's Up - 0800 942 8787

Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland

Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234,

Samaritans - 0800 726 666

Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757

Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865

ReplyForward

I used to hide my mental illness because this is not something glorious to tell others, shameful and I thought I would lose friends as they may think that I'm dangerous. I stigmatized myself as well. It is only when I had a relapse here years ago that I become open about my illness and I've discovered that most of my friends accept me as I am. It has been a long journey to come to how I am now - well and happy. I, as a Chinese, understand why we hide about our mental health and I'd love to help my fellow Chinese; of course, I'd love to help whoever experiences the illness.

I don't think I had dreams. What I wanted was to study well, had a good job and made a comfortable living. Then I failed at school, couldn't get into university and experienced mental illness which almost took away everything from me. But, I came to New Zealand, a relapse enlightened me. I wanted to get well. I started by self-actualization. With a goal in life, I not only gained back my passions, but I've also discovered several more. I struggle. I begin to have dreams. I become motivated and I no longer suffer from depression. Life is good!

Anxiety

I do get a lot of anxiety these days because I am working on a huge project. Anxiety hits me throughout the day and if I let it get its way I believe I would already have a relapse; but I do, and have quite a few ways to help me out of it. I do all the things I love doing like writing poetry, dancing, singing, drawing… The most recent one, one that works well, is to study. When I concentrate on studying I’m distracted from whatever anxiety I have. The important thing is to make an initiative to do something. I truly understand that most of the time when I feel anxious I don’t really want to do anything, thinking that nothing can help, but I make myself to do them and once I’ve started I find solace. It works for me every time which is why I would like to share my experience with someone who needs it. Don’t let anxiety overtake you, do something you love or you use to love, you will be surprised how it can take you out of distress.

近日我是常常會有很多焦慮的,這是因為我正在做一個非常龐大的計劃,令我整天都遭受到焦慮的打擊。假如我任由它發展下去,我相信我早已經舊病復發了！但是我有不少的應對方法來幫助我解困。我會去做一些我自己很喜愛的活動,例如作詩,跳舞,唱歌和繪畫等等。我最新而很有效的活動,就是學習。當我集中精神去學習時,我是會轉移了所有的焦慮！最要緊的是首先要有想去做一些事的主動先念。我非常意識到在大多數我感到焦慮的時候,我是會不想做任何事的。因為我會認為做甚麼事都將會是無補於事的！但是現在我是會強迫自己去做事,而當我開始做那件事後,我就每次都會找到慰藉。所以我在此願與你們分享這經驗,你們不要讓焦慮超越和控制你,你要去做一些你喜愛或者以前喜愛過的活動,這個解愁解慮的方法的速度和效果,是會令你驚訝的！

I have written a musical and I have come to the stage of fundraising. I have chosen crowdfunding via Boosted NZ. Please support by donation and/or share. Many thanks!

https://boosted.org.nz/projects/reach-out

This is my last attempt. I have written a musical ‘Reach Out’. It is a play about mental health, racism, discrimination, love, and forgiveness... and I have been trying to put it on stage, but with no funding, I can’t employ anyone to have it done since I don’t believe in rounding up volunteer workers. Even though I have tried again and again to get some funds which have been total failures, I now decide to form a team of artists who have experiences of mental illness but are fit to work to help out. I cannot promise a handsome fee but meals will be provided whenever we are at work. Any income from the play will be shared. And you will be having a goal to work on, a chance to bring back confidence and motivation, and a chance to show your capability. What I provide will be my script, my music, my passion and I can assure you my hard work as well. Whoever is interested please send me a message on Facebook or email me (anneho51@gmail.com). If this time again I do not receive any response I will bury my script and forget all about it.

September 28, 2021

It has been particularly difficult for me today. I am feeling quite restless. I believe it has a lot to do with the lockdown. Everyday I check on the number of new cases and am anxious to find out if there has been progress in fighting against the Delta variant. Although I have been taking all this quite well, but six weeks is a long period to handle. I have played the piano, watched movies, YouTube, just to distract myself from the feeling of being trapped. So I plead everyone who can take the vaccination go for yours. It will help us to move out of lockdowns. In the meantime, those who are finding it difficult to face the lockdown, act to help yourself. There are many ways of distracting yourself from bad feelings. I won’t give up on using whatever ways I can to stay well, and there are many, just search for them. Take care!

I did a cartoon which took me less than 15 minutes, but my good mood returns and I can concentrate in doing stuffs. Hoorah!

October 17, 2021

The prolonged level three really got me. For several days I was feeling unhappy and stopped doing things I used to love doing. I buried myself in movies, YouTubes all day so that I don’t think or work. I let myself have a few days of holiday, not that I was enjoying them, it was just to pass time. I understand that the lockdown is necessary in order to fight against Covid-19 and yet I longed for my freedom. My mood was like a rollercoaster. Very fortunately, this lasted only for several days, and now I am back on track. I continue doing what I enjoy, practicing on the piano, reading, studying. It’s like I’m alive again. So, anyone out there who has anxiety and/or depression because of the lockdown, help yourself, go back to do the things you love and/or take a holiday as I did; talk to a friend, go out for walks and remember to go for the vaccination if you haven’t had it yet. When the numbers are high enough we will get our freedom!

I shared the following on Facebook two years ago but thought I should shared it here as well.

I have been experiencing fleeting moments of depression whenever negative thoughts come into my mind. Like when I am stressed while doing something difficult; or when bad memories appear, and worst still even when there is no reason to or triggers at all. This can happen as many as three or four times a day. My way of dealing with it is to stop them right at the beginning and not allowing them to develop and aggregate any further. By switching my thoughts immediately to something more pleasant, or do some of my favourite activities. Sometimes even a simple distraction of making a drink can work. Usually the depression is gone within a very short period of time. This works for me because I have been practicing these remedies for years. I am not expecting somebody else can do it as fast as I do . But through constant and persistent learning, experimenting, making improvements and adjustment, one can surely quicken this "divert and calm down" time significantly. I remember way back during my fourth relapse. I was in a really bad way with my family for quite a while. The worst thing was that I did absolutely nothing to help. I was like a puddle of mud, no thoughts, no action, no nothing. But once I was determined to get myself out of it by my own effort, and despite heaps of failures and disappointments, I did my very best to stand up and tried again. And after each time I fell, and there were many many times,it took less and less time for me to pick myself up, stand tall and try again.

This crisis we are facing can bring a lot of stress, restlessness, anxiety to people like us but this will be over so we should try to keep well and find ways to cope and be patient. Once this is over you will, I’m sure, feel even better, stronger than before as you have overcome something so difficult and devastating. I do!

Being me

I was filled with guilt
I was terribly shy
I was embarrassed
to admit being pretty
I was embarrassed
to admit I was smart
I had a paranoia
which followed me for 50 years

But,
today I’m proud to say
I’ve outgrown my guilt
I’ve outgrown my shyness
I’ve chucked away my paranoia
I feel beautiful inside out

I’ve learned to be kind
I’ve learned to be generous
I’ve turned brave
I must admit that I’m also intelligent

I am not afraid to show the world
Who I am
And being me is the best thing
I’ve done to myself!

Love is my worst enemy

I have been on antipsychotic medications for years.
Gradually the side effects took over.
They got out of hand,
a major concern.
I couldn’t even walk properly.

I could bear anything
except not daring to hold my grandson
in fear of him falling down, being hurt.
No! Something had to be done.
My ex-GP was not helping,

so I took things into my own hands.
Without letting anybody know
I had a plan,
I would reduce the medication bit by bit
until I could stop taking it.

When I received good results,
I would gain credibility.
I had this all planned out.
I kept a journal
documenting my mood

and my physical wellbeing
for the psychiatrist’s viewing.
After a month without medication,
I began to gain back balance.
I didn’t have reflux.

I could focus.
My memory improved.
Everything pointed to a good beginning.
This plan included
getting help from my ex-psychiatrist,

someone who had helped me greatly
in my recovery.
The plan matured.
I tried to contact my ex-psychiatrist.
Some days passed

with no reply.
Still waiting.
Full of confidence.
That night, at my daughter’s place,
we were happily gathered,

dancing, cheering.
Then I put a stop to all the joviality
by exposing my secret.
They all,
my husband, my daughter, my son-in-law,

FREAKED OUT!
Angry words
came out from every mouth.
The Pandora’s box was opened.
Harsh words, accusations, pointing fingers

rushed out.
It was one of the worst times I have ever experienced.
To stop them from worrying
I offered myself up for slaughter and
sought out the help of the crisis team.

I arranged to see the hospital’s psychiatrist.
I was still hopeful.
They are experts.
Surely they’ll understand.
I’m in good hands.

Finally, they gave me an appointment
after delaying twice.
I knew my file would be huge
because it had been more than 30 years
since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia,

only to be told later
it was bipolar disorder.
Surely the assigned psychiatrist
wouldn’t see the whole picture.
Very intelligently I wanted to fill in gaps.

I told them what achievements I have had.
I told them I haven’t had depression for years.
I told them how motivated I am.
All in all
I told them how I have recovered,

information I thought would help.
But they were terribly busy.
The backlog of patients has always been huge.
All they wanted
was for me to resume taking medication.

Then my file would be closed.
They could move to work on other patients.
After three consultations,
they thought it’s time to take action,
to force me back on to medication.

After rejecting them,
the psychiatrist applied to put me
under the Mental Health Act.
The cheeky psychiatric nurse
said stupid things,

asked me to wait in the room
for security guards.
I was calm and clear headed.
My question was,
‘Will I be taken to the hospital now?’

She said, ‘No, it’s just routine.’
A staff member came in.
I didn’t really know why.
To make sure I wouldn’t fly?
However, the staff member and I

held an interesting and intelligent conversation.
Finally, someone did come.
Not the security guard,
but a consultant and another two staff.
I was read my rights.

The consultant listened to my story,
also to my husband’s.
After more than an hour’s consultation,
he turned to my hubby and said
‘I have no grounds to put your wife under the Mental Health Act.

I have no grounds to enforce her to take medication.’
He also said to me, ‘I hope time will sort things out for you.’
I felt gratified.
Yes, time.
It’s time that I need, and not meds.

After that the psychiatric nurses called
from time to time
to check on my sleep,
to check on my wellness.
I needed to see psychiatric nurses

and consultants every now and then.
I repeated my story
time and time again.
The story was consistent
because I wasn’t lying.

They were satisfied.
My hubby was with me
at each of these meetings.
To my dismay,
he was drowning

in the idea that as long as I was taking meds
I’d be okay.
Harsh words, harsh attitudes
came my way every day.
I know he loves me and he’s worried,

but love turned out to be my worst enemy.
My loved ones worried
because they love me.
But all they wanted
was for me to resume taking medication.

They disregard the horrific side effects I am facing.
I got angry.
I fought with them all and
stuck to my belief.
All this struggle

put pressure on me,
but I held on.
I was strong.
After I convinced the consultant
that I was OK

without medicine,
he told me if they discharged me,
I’d be under the care of my GP.
He even said
He’d arrange a meeting

for me to meet my ex-psychiatrist
since I trusted him so much.
I was greatly relieved and
thought I would be discharged soon.
How wrong was I!

One day
after being torn apart
by my loved ones at home,
which I had hoped to be my sanctuary,
a place to recuperate,

I decided to move out,
at least for a while.
It was at an exhibition
held in my school, an NGO.
I tried so hard to find a place

to stay but didn’t succeed.
I offered to provide entertainment
by playing on the piano
to attract visitors.
I played, not from any composition,

just let my fingers go
and depending on my ears.
I didn’t know I had this talent
until then.
I can keep playing

for as long as I want to
with no ending
and starting on any key.
And I only passed grade three
in piano training.

What went wrong that day?
I thought I was discharged.
I was so happy.
I posted on Facebook.
What went terribly wrong?

My daughter sent messages out
telling everybody I was not OK.
With anger.
With heightened emotions
built up.

When it was time for the school to close,
I lost control.
I didn’t want to go,
but I had nowhere to go.
I insisted that the psychiatrists

come and see
how a genius works.
My husband wanted to take me back to the hospital.
I refused,
standing across the road.

It was raining.
I was screaming.
He was on the phone talking to whoever.
I didn’t care.
‘We can’t come as the protocol does not allow it.’

That’s the response
from the psychiatrists.
I insisted.
Finally, I said they had to get the police to take me.
Two policemen came.

One talked to me.
I told him my story.
They talked me into going with them.
They took me back to the police station.
What they put me through,

like searching my body
to make sure I did not hide anything
which I could use to harm me,
was humiliating.
I was tired, agitated, provoked.

I waited for hours
before two teams of psychiatrists and nurses arrived.
I talked to the first team
who seemed kind.
I told them my story.

I told them
all I needed was a place to stay
for a couple of days
till I found a place,
because I did not want to go home,

which I considered a sick place.
They seemed sympathetic
and I was hopeful.
The second team came.
After talking to me,

they at once put me under the Mental Health Act.
I was taken to Waitakere Hospital.
When I got there,
they put me in a room.
I had a good night’s sleep,

woke up and gained back my senses,
but I had already jeopardised my plan.
During the stay in the hospital,
I fought with the psychiatrist
over medication, over his diagnosis.

With a cell phone,
I searched for information.
I checked the symptoms of bipolar disorder
in the DSM-V.
Armed with research and knowledge

I debated with him.
At each meeting
I asked him questions
which he wouldn’t or couldn’t answer.
All the more I believed that I was right.

In the hospital
I talked to patients.
Every time I was with a patient
a senior staff was nearby,
listening to our conversations.

Then he told me
I have the power of connecting with patients.
So what?
I was still not discharged,
not allowed

to stop taking medication.
But I made a lot of friends,
staff and patients,
via poetry, music and art.
It was time for me to leave the hospital

as I had nothing more to do
to help the others,
and I was bored.
I succumbed to resuming medication
and left the hospital.

I became an outpatient.
The dosage was high.
All the side effects resumed,
and worse than before.
I was assigned

a new psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse.
I told them my worries about the side effects,
how bad my balance was,
the problems with my heart,
the diabetes,

my immunity,
how my life would be shortened.
I was fighting for my life in actual fact.
They did not listen.
My psychiatrist refused to acknowledge

all these were side effects,
not just ailments of old age.
The psychiatric nurse told me I’m very intelligent,
but for God’s sake,
why then didn’t they listen to my plea?

In the meantime,
I researched and studied my case.
I studied Open Dialogue theory.
I studied about psychosocial strategies.
I studied mindfulness.

I studied Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
I pleaded my psychiatrist to reduce my meds
in a safe environment,
giving her my sound evidence.
She wouldn’t listen.

She wouldn’t even see me
or answer my letter.
The psychiatric nurse argued with me.
She told me mental illness could not be cured.
I had no other option

but to make complaints.
I complained about the irresponsible neurologist
who rejected my psychiatrist’s request
to give me an appointment
to test if it was Sodium Valproate

that was causing my loss of balance.
To which he wrote back
and refused my psychiatrist’s request.
I made a complaint to the Health and Disability Commissioner
about my psychiatrist,

giving sound evidence.
They took my case.
Finally, my psychiatrist decided to discharge me
from the Mental Health Act
and left it to me

whether I wanted to take meds.
That very night
I stopped all meds.
My GP told me to make an appointment to see him
in eight weeks.

I learned that it would take at least four weeks
for me to detox.
So, during those eight weeks
I kept a journal,
documenting my sleep, my mood, my physical wellbeing.

Before seeing my GP I emailed it to him,
so he could see
I don’t do things impulsively.
I do plan.
My blood tests after stopping the meds

had never been so good.
All my abnormalities became normal.
Even my uric acid level,
though my ex-GP had bet her life
it was gout

and not Olanzapine
which heightened the uric acid level.
But, since stopping the medicine,
I experienced verbal abuse every day.
And from who else

but my husband
who loves me?
And all my loved ones agree with him.
Yes, they all love me,
but they refuse to walk with me

through my most difficult times.
They believe I am in good hands
under the care of experts.
They refused to read information
I sent them

to help them understand
my situation.
Every day I was under pressure.
Not happy, I would not rest my mind.
But I learned important things

like being independent,
taking care of myself,
gaining back my confidence,
making good decisions.
When I was well enough,

I went back to Hong Kong
to visit my mother.
I could even take her on a cruise
all by myself.
My balance was good.

My memory was good.
My focus had never been better.
But I wasn’t welcomed by my family,
except my mother.
She loves me.

I love her dearly.
But I began to be honest with her
for the first time ever,
which angered her,
and she was disappointed in me.

However, she still loves me,
and I love her just the same.
But I was not happy.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn't eat.

I was losing weight.
I cried a lot.
I longed to come back to my hubby
so I could have a shoulder to cry on.
I was in a terrible state

both spiritually and physically.
I came back.
But on the way home from the airport
we started to argue heatedly.
I was determined to leave him,

but for the first time ever
he said sorry.
Yes, for the first time.
I once again forgave him.
I needed his love.

But I was still unhappy.
He was not much help.
Instead I felt pushed into misery.
I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep.
I lost seven to eight kilos.

Until one day I decided to leave him.
I ran away.
I felt relieved.
I was happy.
I thought now my love for him had died.

I was set free.
I planned to look after myself.
That night in a motel,
I had a short relapse.
I called an ambulance

which took me back to the hospital
where I spent roughly 50 days.
When I was discharged,
I gladly went back
to my husband’s embrace.

What happened during the 50 days
needs another tale.
What has changed?
My husband’s attitude.
He has become a loving husband,

and we argue much, much less.
I’m a much happier person, and so is he.
Despite the side effects
I take my meds.
My psychiatrist is happy.

My loved ones are happy.
Though my conviction
is different from my psychiatrist’s,
I listen to her.
It makes a difference to my world,

I choose love over anger,
which helps me bear the physical discomforts.
I am waiting patiently
for the day they are convinced
of my beliefs.

There are better ways
than just antipsychotic meds
to help patients recover,
and I intend to work on this.
I vowed at my book launch

that I’ll spend the rest of my life
to help the mentally ill and the depressed,
and this promise I will keep.
I am lucky to be loved.
For every recovery

there has to be support and love.
I have reconciled with my psychiatrist.
I trust that she is fulfilling her duties.
No matter what my belief
my life has become better and better

and I look forward to a bright and happy future.

Relaxed

Sitting under the sun
Baking in heat and solitude
My mind paused from thoughts
Ignoring what’s happening around
Tiredness streamed out in sweat
A pleasant feeling
From head to toe
I’m no longer imprisoned
In day-to-day woes

This is my song as a gesture of fighting against stigmatisation, enjoy!

https://anneho.nz

The statement for the donations and the distribution is now shown in the link for the song 'The Beast and the Snake'

April 7, 2023

My key worker came to my home to give me the injection. This was the first time we didn't argue about side effects and we talked a lot of other things. We talked about tea drinking, we talked about my trip to France, we talked about my grandchildren, we talked about education... She even asked me to play the piano. This is a great way to know your patients and I think she's done it beautifully.

America
You should have gun control
Much earlier
Look at those victims
Their number is growing fast
Your people don’t know
When will be their turn to die

It is scary
To not feel safe
Living in their own country

Those who hinder the
Gun control
Have they got no wits
Apart from earning more
What if, one day
A loved one of yours
Also become a victim!

Saturday Lunch

I walked outside
Took a deep breath
Let the sunshine showered
Over me
Nothing bothered me
Right now
This was the break
Which I needed

A poem

A poem takes away the negativity
A poem takes away anxiety
A poem releases my sorrow
And it only takes to write one

Life is good once again

The cramps are gone
Gout has not returned
The trip to Hong Kong is near
To see my mother again
Will soon be realised

We go for walks
We talk
We watch movies together
We watch TV together
Our relationship is getting better

Things seem to improve
Things are coming together
There is no reason for tears
I am happy
Life is good once again!

Thanks to Olanzapine my gout returns. I am still waiting for my psychiatrist to give me an answer in regard to what symptom/s I have to sustain their putting me under the mental health act.

It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling depressed when one is physically unwell. I was very motivated, confident, happy and then suddenly I have gout. This pain which I believed I shouldn’t be having started me ruminating. I began to feel how I was wrongly treated by psychiatrists who made me retake the injection of Olanzapine. Then about work, I came across some problems. I began to feel sad, unhappy, angry and it seems to me that it’s not fair to me to have all these troubles. I almost lost motivation. Fortunately, after taking Ibuprofen the gout pain has eased. I begin to reason things out. I feel much better. I begin to keep on with my work.

So what I’m saying is that being physically unwell can lead to mentally depressed, but if we understand why we are led to that situation and we find ways to solve our problems we will not delve into negativity and then we can bounce back. At the moment what I need to fight for is my physical well-being and when I’m physically well I won’t have that many chances of falling into the trap of depression. I hope this experience of mine can help those who experience similar situations - don’t let negativity takes over. Solve the problem!

April 24,2023

It is the 20th day since my injection of Olanzapine. This morning I went to badminton. In the beginning, I was enjoying it so much but after like 5 minutes my heart was beating rapidly, I was short of breath, my body was feeling pain (this is something new) and I just couldn’t continue playing. After lunch while walking to the car, just 10 minute's walk, my heart was beating again; for Christs' sake, it was just 10 minutes walk! Why am I like that? I need answers and yet no psychiatrists or doctors want to furnish me with that. I thought okay, this time the side effects are not that bad so having the injection should be alright. No, it is not! And yet no medical professional can give me one single ground that I should be under the Mental Health Act! They simply said I had a long history and based on that they override all my rights - ‘either you take the treatment or we will send the police to put you in the hospital!’ Is this fair?!

the goblet

to drink from such a goblet
bitter and sweet
pride as enormous as edifice
disseminate in an instance
we drink pride
we drink prejudice
we drink love
we drink hatred
what think you of Hamlet

peer pressure is hard to swallow
some drink it
notoriously bitter
it takes courage
but an inflected valour

truth is only in one's belief
until it's shown

authority commands obedience
I'd rather not comply
when it's outrageous
silence is submission
make your own choice
Thomas More
his silence cannot save him
his poor soul

life is drinking from a goblet
how you drink it
it's totally on you

I've grown to love life
despite pain
there is lots of joy

April 26, 2023
The following are taken from literature on the Rights under the Mental Health Act, I am quoting only a few which is relatable to my case,

People who come under the Mental Health Act
. must have a mental illness (I’m still waiting for the answer from psychiatrists to prove that I have a mental illness)
.must present a serious danger to themselves or others and/or at serious self neglect due to their mental illness (please psychiatrists prove that I am one of them)

Compulsory Treatment Order
If the psychiatrist believes the person is .. no longer a serious danger to themselves..others or at serious self neglect, they .. be released from the MHA.

The above are the most important and so I quote them, there are others which are useful to my case as well but the above are enough to show that I shouldn’t be under the MHA.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/first-of-its-kind-academics-granted-right-to-challenge-mental-health-act-for-free/QKNPQLEZZBBUXPLB4RBBUKKU5U/

Mental Health Act is inhumane

The outcome of this court case is important to all patients presently under the Mental Health Act. This Act is inhumane. Psychiatrists have all the authority to override the patients' rights. It is ridiculous to give patients their rights when they cannot access them!

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/first-of-its-kind-academics-granted-right-to-challenge-mental-health-act-for-free/QKNPQLEZZBBUXPLB4RBBUKKU5U/

Business on Mental Health

I have made a commitment some years ago about starting a business on mental health. I have a plan and I am now inviting people who are interested to be involved to join my team. Feedback has come back from my mentor from the Chamber of Commerce and friends who like the plan. It is an ambitious one, no doubt, but I am confident it will work. It is one of my dreams to be able to help those who are suffering from mental health issues and I believe this dream will come true.

Here is my plan:

My business plan for mental health

Concept - twofold

One is to sell to private firms and corporations services regarding mental health.
Services include educating the employees, managers, employers about symptoms of stress, anxiety, depression, such that they are aware and will take action at the very beginning.
To train the managers to be alert of the symptoms and offer help to the staff in need. This can be done in many ways, through talks by experts; by those who have lived experience and have recovered, which will be very convincing; to work on countering stigmatisation and discrimination in the office; to run programmes (will work out what kind of programmes) to the effect.

Secondly, which is also complementary to the first by forming teams of experts which include psychiatrists, psychologists, occupational therapists, peer support workers, counsellor, researchers to provide therapies to those who have mental health issues which are similar to the Open Dialogue approach, Hearing voices approach, Shared Decision Making; introducing psychosocial strategies, run programmes for them (my research paper: Can psychosocial strategies replace antipsychotic medications.

Work closely with psychiatrists (who work for hospitals or private practice), GPs, aiming at reducing and slowly withdrawing of antipsychotic medications, applying holistic measures. Let their psychiatrists decide on the medications; when there is progress shown in the condition of the patients, reduction of medication will be asked for.

I also intend to work on psychoeducation. Educate those who have mental health issues, educate their carers which is very important. Educate students. Educate the general public.

Some of the programmes I have in mind

Run courses on psychoeducation, invite professionals/doctors/counsellors/academics/educators to partake
(those with lived experiences to tell their stories of recovery which is very convincing)
Run classes on self-help techniques (this involves suggestions from those with lived experience, any technique that has helped them)
Work hands-on with patients or anyone who has mental health issues to develop their passions/anything they are good at, help them to achieve, bring back motivation to their lives (peer support workers will be someone good to be involved)

Provide employment

I will try to employ as many as possible those who have experiences with mental health issues. Peer support workers will be employed to work with patients. Those involved in projects on helping patients to achieve, to be motivated, to recover will be paid (including patients).

Needs funding

Will apply for funding (government ones, NGOs such as Lotteries Grant, crowdfunding…)

Create a team

This is the beginning of putting my plan into action. I need think tank, professionals… to help me with this plan. Certainly, I cannot do it all on my own, so anyone who is interested please message or email me.